I don't know what I am doing, or what's my problem.

I'm a loser, I never get things right. I try to read more, but it feels pointless. Every time I think about using any energy at all, or being happy I feel disgusted when I do. I constantly have to remember why I am depressed after each short burst of idiotic happiness, it's because I am most definitely stupid.

Just shut up if you are gonna tell me, "if you can write like this you are not stupid", Jesus that is not how it works. I have no friends, I can not hold conversation, the best job I got that I can not fuck up is handing samples out, and I never remember half of what others can at times.

For the love of all that is good, just do NOT ignore the doctor when they say the kid will be slow. It's not a moral or noble thing to have the kid, it will suffer. FUCK YOU mother, I wish you were told more harshly. I am in pain, such mental pain, I don't want to be like this, but I think I am too much of a coward to go through with it.

I just wish something horrible would sneek up on me and bame! Beautiful blissful nothing ness. I already enjoy being in the dark, the lack of noise, closing my eyes, trying to feel nothing, trying to turn my thoughts off... I drown them out with music.