I don’t know what to do in my relationship

We started arguing pretty bad a few months after we moved into our own place. The arguments usually happen when I am in my late luteal but the energy of them doesn’t really go away during my happy times of the month. When I am in late luteal, I am depressed, existential and just generally not vibing. But we bicker so bad during these times and argue every time we ride in a car together. It feels like every day we argue and I just feel a lot of anger about it, I feel like I can’t say much without it becoming an argument. Things have gotten to a point where we are screaming f you and calling each other disgusting names. He pushes me to a point of wanting to hit him. He did one time, screaming insults and calling me a b!tch, I slapped his leg. I’ve never been someone to get physical and it scares me that someone I love can provoke me that much.

I feel genuinely lost in life and he says he does too. My gut has been creeping at me with this uneasy feeling about our relationship for a while now but I just don’t know if it’s my intuition or fear of it not working out?

Our relationship was threatened over my past where my friend and I got with two guys at once, he was upset and wanted me and another girl to give him a double bj and so in my efforts to save the relationship I did it. I wasn’t happy about it, I was infuriated but out of my stupidity and fear of being alone I did it. I regret it so much.

I haven’t felt inclined to be sexual with him for a long time and I also just feel disconnected with my sensual side. I don’t dance in front of my mirror anymore, I don’t feel sexy. I’ve gained weight, especially in my breasts which I feel in a way they are protecting my heart.

I was going to take us to therapy, the cost would be entirely on me because he doesn’t want to pay for that kind of stuff. But at this point I’m just really unsure about it all. There’s so much to write, so much anger.

He’s not a bad person, we share morals, lifestyle choices, hobbies, music taste, health morals. I love him, we have gone through a lot together. He lost his dad two years into our relationship and I know he’s dealing with depression about it. I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

We are both hurting and I just don’t know if I should save the relationship or not. Guess I’m coming to the internet for some insights.

Sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense, I took an edible lol.