I don’t know how to ask for help

My mental health has been declining over the last two years, particularly the last six months. Over the last six months nearly I have had a pretty intense escalation in suicidal ideation and violent daydreaming about scenarios where I get hurt or hurt myself. Before I’d occasionally fantasize about it like 2-4 times a year for a day or so, now it’s almost daily. I’m very quick to anger lately and very sensitive. I cry a lot at little things. Anytime I have a bad day or something goes wrong I daydream about being hurt. Lately it’s often what I think of to fall asleep. I feel like I am working constantly to keep myself regulated. My partner is really noticing it lately.

All of the advice you hear usually includes reaching out to loved ones for support. I do not know how to go about this. I can’t imagine explaining how I feel, and I know it would break the hearts of my loved ones. My partner is very sweet and loving but anytime I’m sad she cries and she can’t even imagine something bad happening to me. It makes her cry if it ever comes up. I hate seeing her be sad. It would devastate her if I told her about my thoughts. We also have just had a lot going on and I don’t want to add to her plate. I don’t feel like she’d handle it well. I’m also scared she would tell her family about it and I feel embarrassed. I am lucky to have some very loving friends who are amazing and often tell me they’re here for me but I wouldn’t even know how to begin telling them what I think of. It also feels kind of pointless because at the end of the day no one can really do anything but say “it’s ok, it’ll get better” or suggest I talk to a therapist. I had been seeing a therapist for years and I had a trusting relationship with her but a few months ago I stopped going. My insurance is not very good and only covers a few hundred dollars annually. I have been struggling financially and can’t afford to see her. We also had a few poor sessions in a row where I felt she wasn’t understanding me or very present and I feel like it shook my trust in my therapist and made me feel like therapy hasn’t helped me at all, especially because this was around the time this mental health spiral really escalated. I bumped into her in public and for some reason this really shook me. It’s made me scared to go back to therapy, even if I could afford it. I’m also scared that if I disclose my feelings to a friend or partner and their reactions let me down that it will make me feel a thousand times worse. At least now I can pretend they’ll comfort and support me, what if they don’t?