I was ghosted twice. Once due to my race, and the other due to an unreliable friend.

For the first guy, we were talking online (I was waiting for my photos to be approved) and so we were talking, getting a vibe. I basically say “oh I have something to mention! I’m black!”   
Did not hear back from him again. 

The second guy was an old friend who HE initiated the relationship. I only offered to be friends, but he was the one who wanted to be something serious. I’ve known him for years, and for the first few years I wasn’t very consistent (I was unmedicated) but after getting myself together, I apologized to him and told him I’m ready when he’s ready.   
He set the rules and the boundaries for communication, and at first things were fine. Well, then he stops writing. And he’s done this twice. He just stopped reading my messages altogether.   
So that was a bust.

I just feel so unlovable. People always say “it’ll happen when you least expect it,” but I’ve been waiting for so long. I’ve only ever had 2 serious relationships, all online, all I met in person. Longest one was 7 months. I feel like such a loser compared to the women my age, as I’m almost in my 30s, neurodivergent and just awkward altogether. I’ve been so much meaner to myself, telling myself I deserve scraps because that’s all I’ve been given. But I also just want someone who appreciates me the same way I appreciate myself. I just want to feel feminine and loved and normal for once. The only other man who cared about my dating life and how I treated men was my granddad, who recently passed (father was emotionally distant/neglectful)   
And everyone always says “work on yourself”, but I just feel no motivation to do so if, like I said, someone doesn’t appreciate me the same way I appreciate myself. It feels like I’m in middle school again. This girl called me ugly and I never got over it. It just feels like we always have to perform to prove our beauty, and I’m at the bottom of the list. 

Ghosted twice.