Is this abt me?

I have bpd, and because of it, I dont believe I am truely loved and it is REALLY hard for me to really conceptualize a guy loving me. Or anyone. Its like... its like conceptualizing a humongous number like google, you know its possible and exists but its just like jeez, how can i believe a number like that is real?

Me and my ex(?) Have been on and off due to our mental issues (he seems to suffer with the same thing) hes a great guy we just... suck at relationships, both romantic and platonic. He believes i deserve better and I believe im unlovable, we've been working on these things together and he was the only person who got me to take therapy seriously and doesnt judge me for my bpd but holds me accountable

I guess we're broken up but knowing us we'll end up together again. I dont really want anyone of yall to comment on that or give advice about that as im aware of the issues, but i have a therapist for that part.

This is me more so asking about if this is actually real i guess or in my head? Like i said love is so hard for me to really conceptualize, but i was listening to his playlists as music is a really important thing to him, he has tons of organized playlists he updates regularly and I like being connected in that way, idk if he knows i listen to his stuff

I saw a newer playlist he made months before we first got back together, the playlist is completely different from all the others, the playlists were arranged by artist and genre but this was just called "i wish i could"

I looked in it bc it was kind of out of character music wise i guess, and the entire playlist is full of songs about wanting to hold "her" hand, be with her, dream of her, ect. The subject is the same in every song minus the wordless songs that were just ambience. I know his music taste, and while this isnt COMPLETELY different, no other song he has are the same topic or genre as this, all the songs are the same.

Each song was added during times where we were apart or just getting together again. And no, hes never dated any other girl nor has ever had a crush on another girl. I think he identifies as aromantic, but like demi? Idk the term but basically feels very little romantic feelings for people but with me hes so different but yk im used to it being fake so i never really felt it to be true. Just normal stuff.

But this playlist isnt something i should technically know about, meaning he made this in private minus ofc making it a public playlist. Its the only playlist with no description and is just yk... romantic??? Hes NOT a romantic person. Doesnt care for that kind of thing.

The songs also included things that he said he experiences with me like he says he dreams of me frequently, stares at my photos alot, checks on me, misses me a ton, but again with me being how i am i just thought it was for show but again this playlist was never something he showed me. These songs had those same experiences sung about.

I feel crazy for thinking its about me, i have NEVER been the "her" in this scenario, ive bullied myself and have been bullied so harshly It feels physically impossible.

Am i crazy? Sorry if this is super long i yap a ton