I don't relate to the "always knew" narrative. Did anyone else think they were "fine" before realizing they might be trans?

hey so this sub prob gets this q alot but I honestly need some help - so sorry, pls be nice, and ty. Ok so im AFAB, I've always been a bit closed off, and I knew I was queer but never felt comfortable exploring it, and I've said it to close friends but never felt comfortable (not sure why- maybe the bad reaction my friend had when I came out or just not fully comfortable with self- I've always admired queer people but the world itself felt closed off as I was closed off to the world dealing with my own sh*t and it felt in accessible to be apart of/talk about). I've struggled with my mental health since a young age so just getting by trying to feel ok was the goal and I did not want to think deeper if it would make things worse, and honestly even though I did struggle with gender I didn't feel like as a kid I was the wrong gender I just felt wrong- like existing is a humiliation ritual and as elementary kid I remember just shutting off oneway and then from then onward felt safer not being perceived. I've always felt scared to look too deep into being trans tho im fine if its other people. Both my sisters are trans and ironically came out to me first and at the same time (I have a great relationship with younger but the older is rocky from things they have done to me, but obv I still love and support her), and a part of me feels weird saying anything as my parents (tho well meaning and we have a good relationship) struggle with it and it hurts sometimes (all the time) to have those convos. I am not thinking of transitioning any time soon or even telling my closest sibling (who is like my twin and person I'm closest too), but apart of me feels weird (to put it mildly) to say anything to my siblings ? like im encroaching or a faker. In mid 20s now, and it was not something I always knew unlike my siblings, I look back and I did like feminine and masc things growing up (more fem) and still do but uncomfortable with it at times, and just struggled with feeling like 'other'. In middle school I was obsessed with hiding identity/ gender changing books/movies/fics (they made me feel weird but also good), wanting to cosplay as boys but never being able to afford it and feeling jealous of girls that could pass as guys (and girls that could be perfect and 'oh aren't they an angel and your ...well you' - former friend) as well as feeling jealous of guys but not realizing it at the time for looks and other things, and in high school with an online friend group I tested out changing my name as a joke to rp a guys name and I loved it but stopped after some people made fun of it. There was this one trans artists that I looked up to so much and I wanted to be like him its embarrassing, but I didn't know why or for what I just wished I could live like them. I even tried to get a masculine hair cut but the hairdresser cut it into a feminine short pixie and I just started sobbing when I was home as I felt more like an ugly girl than a guy. Then after that I tried to be ultra fem but that always looked and felt wrong, and I was at my most depressed then (not just gender / life stuff), and by the end of high school I grew my hair out super long and I started to look 'pretty' and I became super obsessed with makeup/fashion and trying to look good (my former friend at the time would constantly judge my clothes and I realized I dressed bad cause I felt bad and wanted to change that to feel my best), and for a while it worked I had people coming up to me complimenting me which was weird and I hate compliments but I appreciated them noticing my effort - it all felt fake as my face is still gross, my chest is a sensory nightmare, my body is ehhhh, my voice is irritating, my smile is weird- anything and everything and I didn't like being perceived. Then in college I was being rewarded for how I looked by outer family and it was weird since they didn't like me before when I was awkward and a bit overweight. It messed with me because then at the same time the friends I was making with other queer people were telling me to cut and die my hair as a tip to not come off as so conservative (which im not at all), but even though I didn't like how I looked I felt like it was a weird trap after I finally reached a place of neutrality (in my head at least- I wasn't super fem (still fem) anymore and I just wanted to get by and not be perceived and wishing I could just be a formless silhouette and call it a day). I tested out going by the easier way to spell my name as my name is long and gets mispronounced when ordering and which happened to be the masculine version of my name that my dad and my siblings call me and I liked it but stopped when I was getting weird looks and I felt like a faker. I've never liked my name I mean it's pretty but it never completely felt like me, it has a feminine nickname (which irks me in how it sounds) and a masculine one. I always introduce myself as the feminine options for other people to choose as honestly I don't really care and want to think about it, and I've tried to let close friends know the masculine one and they say it's weird or that they already know someone with that name so they can't call me by it. In my college job, I worked somewhere where it was an office but the small division I worked in everyone but our cool boss was/ended up being trans but me? They were all super cool and nice but I met them at a time where I just got out of a bad friendship/s and it was super hard for me to talk to people or even open up about little things like my favorite color. I felt like had to constantly be on guard. They helped me feel better about life but also once when someone came out my boss got really firm to me about making sure to use the correct pronouns (I've never messed it up with others?? I think they went around and did this but I took it personally) and it honestly made me feel like I was encroaching in others space where I didn't belong (I've always felt that to some degree whether it was a group of girls, class, the locker room, or just in public)- but I prob blew it up in my head Im just sensitive bc I always feel like a freak. Im either giving conservative or apparently it's "super obvious im gay". It's like there a mark across my face but I never get to define it and im always misread (but I also don't let people in so..). Anyway, basically since college I've been getting by and ignoring myself to hopefully get a job and I did. A couple weeks ago as a joke cause I was bored I did a gender swap app and at first I was scared I would hate it and feel ugly ( and I've been doing so good in ignoring my feelings about everything so why open that can of worms up) but I did it, and was in shock I never thought I could look like that ( for once I didn't hate my face and it still looked like me) and could not stop staring and after an hour of that I was like oh ha lets make more... oh ha ha lets make a mood board of hypothetically how I would want to look/act/dress like and usually I maladaptive daydream about people other than me but now Im constantly dreaming of me like HIM. I can't stop thinking about it. It felt like a put together confident version of myself. I've seen some people say well to know if you're sure would you like yourself years from now when you're old and fat? and to that I say tf should I know I thought I'd be dead by now so its hard to picture either gender at that age tbh and looking at pics didn't help. I've been fine with neutrality but I still hate my feminine baby face, and I tried to look at other fem bodies/faces to see if it was even possible would I even like that and I don't know. On one hand I know they are pretty but on the other hand I don't know if its gender or I just hate myself (prob both?). I like the idea of being pretty still but it feels put on sometimes (sometimes good), I've always been heavily policed about body hair and weight so I feel weird about that, but I really was mesmerized at the idea of being a guy.. a bit scared..alot actually. Maybe it's just an idea and this is all a waste of time. I had to write this out to hopefully get over it or get some advice but I can't talk to anyone I know. Honestly all these little things feel like could be something or nothing, I could end up hating it and making feelings worse and feel more gross, and I've got by my life fine-ish. anyways ...yeah this is a vent and I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm trans. I don't know if I'm nonbinary. I don't know if I'm just unhappy with myself for unrelated reasons. I guess what I'm asking is: has anyone else had an experience like this? Especially people who didn't always know from childhood? How did you figure out whether what you were feeling was gender-related or something else?

prob will delete later but this has been haunting me