My thoughts are getting darker, and I just wallow

This is my last summer until life gets serious for me, and I cannot bring myself to sit with my thoughts.

When I was 10.5 I reenacted abuse on my 6 year old brother. The specific abuse is called COCSA (child on child s*xual abuse). It consisted of inappropriate rubbing, and from what both can remember it was a one time instance.

Ive struggled with memory problems for a while now. One of them being pseudo memory issues, I have few memories I thought were real but they weren't. So at the beginning of may of this year, I had a memory resurface of the incident with my brother, this is when I found out about cocsa. I've never felt so disgusted with myself, I don't know why I did it, no matter how hard I try to remember, Ive sat myself down and tried to do "memory retrieval" on myself, because I wanted to know so bad wtf i was thinking. The "memory retrieval" specifically the EMDR that I tried ofcourse failed, and just left me worse than before. What I did get out of it was a few more memories of when it happened to me, and I know for sure that it was between the ages of 5-8 based on the people I remember in those memories.

May has probably been the worst month in my life, in terms of emotional stability. I was trying not to ball my eyes out so much, I spent anytime I could laying down on something, I didnt want to see anyone because I felt like they could see the disgusting human I am. I've read the stories of victims over and over again, and everytime I cant handle the after effects, but it feels deserved so I keep doing it.

My mom started noticing something was wrong with me, especially when she saw I lost 3-5 pounds in 10 days, because I couldn't chew anything or hold anything down. And then I finally came clean to her about what happened, and also meantioned one instance of when it happened to me, mostly because the majority of the instances I remember had cousins in them, and I was too unstable to open that can of worms. This was after I had sat my brother down and apologized many times, I tried to give him as much reassurance that I could that he was not to blame and to never blame himself, as I saw that was a common effect that this had on victims, and I didnt want that for him. My brother forgave me and told me to move on, because he's never thought about that until I brought it up, which I stopped doing immediately, because I didnt want to retraumatize him. Both him and my mom want me to move on, but that feels sinister, idk why. I hurt someone and now I have to just move on? What if hes hurting and I don't know, what if this catches up to him as an adult and then I might be too late, hes probably gonna hate when he's older.

My thoughts are slowly getting dark and I don't do anything about it. I feel like a fraud, everytime I laugh, or smile, when I get praised, when I "succeed" in something, when I lay down to go to bed, when I sit down to eat, every action I take feel fraudulent.

Ive lost all will to live, and it happened so abruptly. Im not trying to end my life, because I know that my brother will know the exact reason, and cannot traumatize him anymore than I have already. I just have no will to live my life, not like I used to. I've given up on most of my aspirations, falling in love, my career because it's on social media and my slate is not clean, and even being social. I just want to fall into a deep sleep that I cant wake up from, maybe then the pain will stop.