Feeling Confused

I ended things with my pwBPD after months of push pull, abuse, threats, you already know the rest. It’s been several weeks since I ended things. I told them I loved them. Truly wanted to be with them. But my issue was the abuse they were putting me thru, verbally, saying disgusting vile things, using my trauma and my deepest insecurities against me, threatening my livelihood. But what I come back to is how they claimed they were coming out of an extremely abusive relationship and their ex was mentally ill. Saying they were abused physically and mentally. They never took accountability in that relationship when they spoke about it. Im just realizing it now. Red flag. I can recall them questioning during our relationship if they had a mood disorder. I didn’t push. I asked why they felt that way. Whenever I brought up the abuse or their mood switching I was always gentle but got to the point where I genuinely no longer felt safe and couldn’t pretend anymore that I was ok with this or that I wasn’t genuinely terrified things would escalate to physical abuse because it got close a few times. But I wonder if their ex had BPD or some other mental illness and was abusive towards them and was actually “the cause” of why they were so horrific to me. Who started it? Was it their ex partners? My ex with BPD (undiagnosed but I diagnosed them over 6 months of our relationship and used the DSM and talked to my therapist about it, ruled out substances, trauma, etc.). My ex claims they were treating me this way because it was reactive abuse and I became the new outlet. But. It just didn’t add up. I feel like they’re lying. How in the world could you behave the way you behave towards me when I’d done nothing wrong? There were so many moments of awareness and willingness to work on themselves too. But I couldn’t take it anymore. And things weren’t changing really. It’s not asking too much to not be called a cunt, smut or a lying cheating nasty whore on a regular basis. But they made me feel like it was. The longer I stayed the more numb I became. Danger was starting to feel too familiar and I was afraid things would become physical, it was too unstable, too unsafe, I was scared I was truly going to lose myself forever in this relationship or not make it out alive tbh.
Unfortunately it was not my first run in with these sorts of relationship issues. But I got myself out. Just trying to keep it that way. But I still can’t help but wonder. What would give me closure is knowing they lied about their ex or it’s really them that’s sick not the ex…I guess because that takes the “blame” off me. Maybe I feel I didn’t try enough or they deserve another chance. But then reality sets back in. It was so bad. Every other day at leas. Horrific “fights”that had nothing to do with me. Slowly being chipped away at. I’ve been treated like shit in many relationships romantic and not, I guess that’s why they always feel like home.

The confusion will go away one day. Just trying to hold on and learn patience till that day comes. I need to pour all the energy I poured into them into myself. Trying to learn how to do that.