Erm am I Trans?

Hi reddit, long time stalker first time poster. I (an almost 21 year old amab) have had this thought for a few years now. It first popped into my mind about 3 years ago when I started talking to this really handsome straight guy. It started off like "oh if I was a woman then I could be with this cute guy cuz then he would like me". For context I live in a very conservative town in the middle of nowhere in northeastern Ohio so the men I could choose from were very limited. But at the time I just pushed it off and saying to myself "It's just cuz you live in this small town ain't no men round here who like boys so maybe you're just saying that to imagine what it would be like to have a bf." But as the years progressed though, I slowly learnt more about the trans community and recently I've found myself thinking more about it. Ive never fully felt welcomed by either boys or girls, but I just thought that was a gay thing. My parents were never that good to me, they always wanted me to act more masculine and to "like more boy things'. Now I didn't use to play with dolls or anything like that, but they would say that cuz I wasn't a sports fan or into cars or anything that a basic straight man would like. I don't really think of myself as a man but i do at the same time, it sounds weird I know. Like I have male genitalia, but I don't out right hate it for there is nothing wrong with it, it gets the job done. Ive never been able to like experiment with my gender identity cuz I'm sure if my dad would find out he'd kick me out I already know how he feels about trans people especially trans women (which is not good things in even the slightest sense). I don't have any friends I've had to cut them all out of my life cuz all they would do is talk shit behind my back or they wouldn't text me back for days on end so I just decided why bother so its not like I could even ask them to help me out. I looked up like "what are some signs you might be trans" and a few of them clicked like the constant feeling of discomfort and liking to be seen in public but I always thought those were just my depression and social anxiety. I also find myself not being able to look into any mirror, but I'm not disgusted by how I look I just wish I had a different face or something it's hard to put into words. I'm so confused on who I am, and I don't even know where to begin with navigating this sort of thing, Ive lowkey just been turning off my brain and not thinking. Like truly not a single thought. I don't feel normal in the slightest that's about all I know. I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have in the comments if that'll help. Can somebody help me figure this out?

Thx with much love -B