Need help moving on

I've been carrying this for over a year and honestly don't know where else to put it.

A fell in love with a friend of mine in my group and she became very important to me. Over time, I developed feelings for her. I never expected those feelings to become this intense, but they did.

The hard part is that she chose someone else. They're engaged now and moving forward with their lives. Meanwhile, I've spent the last year trying to understand why this hurts so much.

I've written her letters. I've given thoughtful gifts. I've shown up as a friend. I genuinely admired her. Not because she was perfect, but because I saw qualities in her that I respected. I thought she saw something in me too.

What hurts isn't just that she didn't choose me. It's that I built so much meaning around her. I think I started believing that if I cared enough, showed up enough, and was a good enough friend, maybe one day she'd see me differently. That mistake is on me...I am only human.

Lately I've started wondering whether I was in love with the actual person, or with an idealized version of her that existed in my head.

Looking back, I think I put her on a pedestal. She was just a normal person with her own life, relationships, flaws, and priorities, but over time I built her up into something much bigger in my mind.

I've spent the last year grieving not only a person, but a future that never actually existed.

The worst part is how much it has affected me. My sleep has suffered. My mental health took a hit. I'm even looking into therapy because I don't want to keep carrying this alone.

I know she doesn't owe me a relationship, and I know love isn't a transaction.

But I still feel angry, hurt, rejected, and honestly embarrassed by how deeply this affected me.

Has anyone else gone through something similar.... If you have, how did you finally move on. Please let me know and this would mean a lot to me...thank you.