I Told You I Was Broken Inside...

You are able to see it now, aren't you? I told you. You said it was never too much. In the end I am the one thats different, not you. The biggest thing you did for me, was you made me feel accepted [til the end] & I felt 99% comfortable around you. I slept so that must mean I felt safe with you. I haven't felt safe with a lady for so long. Will I be fine without you, N? I want to say yes, unfortunately I cannot. I was in denial and should not have done the things I did for you. You did not see me the same as i saw you. I felt that but I couldn't stop what I felt about you. I felt it from the second I met you outside of the pilot j truck stop. It was that smile that lit a light inside. How you were so understanding but that all flipped down the road. I will always wonder if I had been fixed and not broken inside, if we would have had a different situation. I wanted you to show me the way, but i caught feelings. I am sorry for that, I just dont know why you keep wanting me over and calling me if this was the end game. I know you do not want me, I have to guess that you felt obligated in a way to stick around because of my brokenness. I hate myself for putting that or anything on you like that. It was not my intention or even want. I felt comfortable doing it because I didnt feel like it was too much. That I was too much. I just didnt pick up on it. Towards the end I kinda felt you were the one pushing things bringing it up. Just so you know N, I thought we were gonna be friends for life. That is how I felt, that's why it was so hard to hear and trying to accept that is not what you want. I am not looking for you to explain yourself to me or to answer to me. The reason I ask you things is to understand. To be able to clear the confusion in my soul, heart or head. Anyways, I wish you could have seen my plate appearance. I hit the ball so hard in between 3rd base & short. I almost quit playing because of what happened week 1. I felt like a pos and embarrassed. I didnt want to have that feeling hang over me. I never needed you to fix me, I needed you to be there but only if you wanted. You see what happens when I make a move and try to do something without saying/asking. Its why I never make a move of a lady. I always get turned down even if we are laying there naked.

#brokensoul

#TheMomentIsSpecial

I blew it everytime.