My (21m) belief about myself was almost completely destroyed.

Around November of last year, I received a gift of $3000 from my grandparents. I had been wanting to move out for a while, and decided to use this money to do it. I found a place for $1000/mo (FB Marketplace), packed up my laptop, phone, and clothes, and drove 16 hours to phoenix Arizona.

I told myself that this would be a new beginning. You see… I haven’t always been as anti social as I now. If you saw the 12y old version of me, and compared him to the 21y old version of me, you would use the phrase “polar opposite” to describe the difference in our social skills.

Despite my recent anti social personality, the desire for intimate relationships, a tight social circle, and powerful social skills hasn’t ever left me. I’ve always cared enough to try… or at least cared enough that I feel guilty when I don’t.

Before moving to phoenix Arizona, I had essentially spent the last 10y of my life inside. Barely exaggerating. In middle school I was fat, unhealthy, and constantly on stimulants for ADHD (thanks big Pharma). COVID hit in my freshman year of high school, we didn’t come back till junior year, and even then we wore masks the entire year, then senior year I only had 3 classes in person, barley spoke to ppl, and constantly got high. I also didn’t go to an in-person college.

I have seen myself as an “introvert” for some time, but I have always believed, and still believe, that “introvert” and “extrovert” are meaningless labels. Let me explain it like this. If you take THE most extroverted person in world, lock them in a box for an entire year… when they come out of the box they won’t be extroverted. Their social skills would atrophy heavily. Similarly, if you take an introvert, put them in a group of attractive people who love them, look up to them etc… that person is going to learn to love social interaction… suddenly the labels of “introvert” and “extrovert” don’t mean anything anymore, and suddenly the truth becomes apparent, which is that it all comes down to your nervous system, your brain, and how rewarding you believe social interaction to be.

Every human being has a vagus nerve. We all have the ancient biological machinery that allows us to socialize, both verbally and non verbally. We all have the parasympathetic circuitry that literally REACTS to positive social interaction by helping us relax. The human organism literally evolved constantly surrounded by people 24/7. This is a strongly held belief of mine.

Anyways back to phoenix. You get the idea now. I was lonely and wanted to solve it. I decided to start going out to bars and clubs. At first I would literally, no joke, walk into a bar, sit in the corner, stare at the TV, and not speak to anyone. I would eat some food or some shit, and just leave, like a deadass weirdo. At some point a guy came up to me and ask if I was okay, lmfao.

Then one night something changed. I went to this club, and I just… exploded. It was like all of my social anxiety vanished.

I probably talked to 50+ people that night. Complete strangers. I danced in front of a crowd of ppl. No anxiety. 0 alcohol, 0 drugs, I was fully sober. It was fucking magic.

I remember walking out of the club that night feeling almost psychedelic. The best way I can explain it is this: It was like a deep, whole body sense of relaxation. Like cool ice running through your veins. I could literally feel my throat open up, my breathing relax, and my voice sounded deeper. It was like someone vacuumed out all the cortisol and stress out of my body.

Meditating for 3hrs doesn’t give me that feeling. Exercising doesn’t. Saunas don’t come close. Neither does 9hr of deep sleep. That is exactly what I described earlier. Social interaction gives the human body a crucial, categorically unique sense of relaxation and peace. Our bodies and brains are quite literally BUILT for this. The only feeling that comes close is the feeling I get when I take a strong dose of mushrooms, which is why I use the world psychedelic.

After this night, I realized something. In every sense that the word “extrovert” has meaning, I am an extrovert. All of the best memories of my life are with other people.

If you remember earlier when I said 12y old me was very social, that wasn’t just a minor feature. That was core to my personality. I would literally talk to strangers in Walmart and make them smile. I had tons of friends when I was little. If I am wrong, and “introvert” and “extrovert” are really MORE than just meaningless labels, then I am an extrovert.

After this night… I hate to say it but, I do not want to continue living without this. I want to o out and socialize every night. I want to have that feeling of confidence and self esteem every night. I want my free time to be filled with friendship and connection, not sitting around at home, like a fucking drone, brain rotting on YouTube. I want that so badly.

Unfortunately, soon after this night, I crashed my car going 60mph on the highway. My one source of income in phoenix was dead. I ran out of money, and after a 48h long bus/train ride with no food, water, or sleep, I ended up moving back in with my parents.

I find myself once again, wanting a social life, but stuck at home, in a town with majority boomers/genX, and feeling anxiety whenever I go out in public. I plan to sign up for Yoga & MMA classes, and to start going out to clubs/bars again, now that I just got a new car a couple days ago.

TLDR  
I spent the last 10y passively believing & accepting I was anti social. One night changed everything, and now it’s all I think about. I realize this has been what’s missing in my life for the last decade.

NOTE:  
I’m very curious to know if other people can relate to my situation

I thought for 10+ years I was an introvert