I (24F) can't stop self sabotaging my relationship (31M)

Backstory, of my life, for any indicator of what could be wrong... I was taken out of custody of my mother due to her increasing schizoaffective disorder, when I was only 5. I loved her a lot and went to live with my dad who I had not met, or had any real interaction with, and we went across the country. I came back to live with my mom eventually, and first it was fine then she started having weekly episodes where she'd be fine and love me, then the opposite. Dad beat me up once or twice, too. My sister and brother were very close to me but eventually they also cut a few scars onto me.

My friendships: not many, one where I used to have deep emotional dependency. In recent years I've learned to love myself and not get vulnerable.

I've loved this guy for 4 years. We weren't together because he was working in a different country, and despite intense feelings, we didn't want each other to get hurt. He says life for him is picture perfect now that he's with me, that, there are no more bad feelings. He's not romantic, but he sure loves me and does EVERY. THING. RIGHT.

How I retaliate? "Why did that boyfriend do X for her girlfriend and you didn't?", get randomly cold, "that's a fucking awful compliment" when he was JUST. TRYING. HIS. BEST. "Oh, you're on your phone?" he's having his free time. "You seem to hate me." "I don't trust you." He has done everything right and he would rather kill himself than hurt me. Or when I said he had no feelings for no reason whatsover. When he is the most compassionate human being. I playfully get mad at him for not having sex with me but it's become a bit too much?? like, I mocked him for not being able to have sex 4 times in one single night when he was exhausted. I still feel guilty.

His PRESENCE triggers me. I feel incapable of moving out of pure emotional conflict: I love him so much I'm scared I'm loving too much, I need to sabotage, and then I depress when I think about what I've done.

When I tell you, I love this man more than anything ever will be able to measure, I do. He is the light of my life, and I would kill myself for him in an extreme hypothetical. So, why do i become immature? Unstable? Fucking insane? When I can go a week with everything going fine, one day I "switch", and it takes a week to get back to when everything's fine, stays good for a week, then it's cyclical.

This poor boy is dealing with my bullshit. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to break up with him and let him be free, but I know for him it might not be that deep (he represses emotions sometimes), and I'm lost. Might not be that deep for him, for me, it feels like I'm in constant guilt and inner battles...