I’m obsessing over someone I shouldn’t be with.

I was in a situation/relationship with someone I shouldn’t have been with. And I’m a horrible person for it.

He was my first everything, and he made me feel like the center of the world. He still makes me feel this way, every text feels as if time stops. Every moment of silence is a long period of anxiety and pain. We have been trying to see each other more, but our lives are constantly busy. I believe it’s a sign that the universe is trying to keep us apart for good reason.

So I decided to move on, and I joined dating apps. I set up multiple dates with multiple men, all attempts to forget about him. But I cannot help but compare them to him. I started to become a bit obsessive to the point where I would stalk him online, and I would get panic attacks as a result. I even started drinking coffee, which I hate, because it reminded me of what he tasted like when he kissed me.

I’m constantly thinking about him when I can’t sleep at night. I think about the way he kissed me, how his naked skin felt against mine, how he made me laugh, and soothed my anxiety in bed after. I’m constantly trying to remember how his cologne smelled or the sound of his laughter when I said something ridiculous.

I can’t help but wonder if he thinks of me. I can’t help but wonder if he remembers the taste of my lip balm, the smell of my perfume on my skin, or the sounds of my moans in his ears. I know the answer to the question, but I can’t admit it to myself.

We’re still talking but barely. He knows I’ve been trying to put myself out there more, and I think he got jealous. We planned a date last week, and I was so excited. I was already in the car, all dressed up with a fresh face when he texted me that something came up at work and he had to cancel. I cried on the drive back home.

We haven’t really talked since, and I trying to forget about him. But these thoughts of him keep coming back to me. And it doesn’t help that the men on these dating apps are simply disgusting.

I just want to stay in bed all day and cry. I feel consumed by him and my anxiety. I just wanted to tell someone, no one how I’ve been feeling.