Was religious as a kid, told my mom to wear a mafta. She laughed it off, but now I’m atheist and it haunts me

I’m 30 now, atheist. Born to muslim parents, went to madrasa till I was 10.

When I was 12-13 I suggested to my mom casually that she should wear a mafta — a headscarf that covers all the hair and neck but leaves the face open. She already wore salwar kameez with a normal dupatta over her head like most Muslim women did. But I’d been taught that it wasn’t “proper” enough and pressed her to wear a mafta instead.

She never objected, and she never changed how she dressed either. She just kinda laughed it off like I was being a silly kid. At the time I didn’t think much of it.

Fast forward to now — I left Islam years ago. And I feel extremely guilty about that moment. Thinking back, I hurt her even if she didn’t show it. I was 13, repeating what everyone around me said. I genuinely thought I was being a good son and a good Muslim. My whole world was the madrasa and community, zero access to other perspectives.

But I can’t change it. And it sucks knowing I tried to police my own mother. The fact that she brushed it off doesn’t make me feel better — if anything it makes me feel worse, because she probably did it to protect me from feeling rejected.

Anyone else deal with guilt over stuff you did or said when you were religious? How do you make peace with past-you when past-you kinda sucked?