I wish my dad wasn’t my dad

I wanted a new dad since I was a little girl. I feel so sorry for her because she shouldn’t have been thinking about that at such a young age. Even now, I still wish I had a new dad.

My dad is emotionally abusive and emotionally neglects me. He lets his emotions get the best of him and at the moment, he doesn’t care how badly he’s affected you.

He always finds a way to ruin every special occasion. He ruined my graduation dinner by canceling it, ruins my birthdays, you name it.

I have a hard time expressing how I feel emotionally because of the years of neglect. I used to get punished for crying. He hates when I show any emotion. He hates when I’m too happy… he tells me it’s a “bad thing” to be too excited.
Then he has the audacity to ask why I don’t show any emotions.

I get so jealous whenever I see dads putting their daughters first and going above and beyond for them. I’m happy for them, but at the same time I wish I could get that treatment from my own dad.

He genuinely doesn’t care for me. he only worries about how it’ll affect his image from other people because ironically he’s a people pleaser as well and I sadly am too. I hate that about myself.

When I was hospitalized he used it to his advantage to gain sympathy from others and even got lots of attention from it.

I can’t wait to move out one day. He always jokes around about keeping me home until i’m 50 like italian families. No one understands how creepy and weird that sounds because they all laugh it off. If only they knew the real him…

He displays hisself as a caring, considerate, professional man. But in reality he’s a selfish, foolish, and terrible person. I wish he was never my dad. The little girl in me is still mourning.

I’m sorry for the long vent and I don’t expect anyone to really read this but if you did I appreciate you so so much