8 going on 16

Hello parents. First time poster.

I have an 8 yo diagnosed and medicated son. He’s a great kid - super clever and good sense of humor. Mom and I love him very much. He has typical adhd behavior with hyperactivity, which medication has really helped with.

What we’re still struggling with is emotional regulation, and more pointedly, his agitation towards us (mom and dad). Most of the time it feels like he’s a moody 16 year old in an 8 year old’s body. He gets super annoyed with us for asking him benign questions like ‘what do you want for lunch’ or suggesting activities we could do on the weekend. He’s incredibly defensive and shouts at us if we give him simple (and calm) reminders about getting in jammies or brushing teeth. He shows no gratitude when we do nice things for him. He seems to lack empathy when friends are upset or get hurt.

Mom and I generally try to stay calm with him when he’s a jerk to us and say things line ‘hey bud. It’s ok for you to be annoyed at my question but you don’t need to scream at me’.

Outside of home, He does well socially with other kids in school and has lots of friends, and his teachers assure us he’s not a jerk in class.

Another hurdle: he seems to lack the ability to show positive emotions towards us - he bats our hand away if we try give him a rub on the back. He rarely shows affection, expresses gratitude. He never hugs us, or tell us he loves us. If we’re vulnerable with him (telling him how proud of him we are for something, or how much we love him) he’ll deflect or ignore it. It feels defensive - like he doesn’t want to be vulnerable. And it sucks for us.

Mom and I have tried to intentionally model more emotionally open and vulnerable behavior with each other, but we both also struggle with this. We’re starting to wonder if this is an adhd thing, a modeled thing, or both.

Anyone else struggling with this and have effective tactics? I worry about what he’s going to be like when he’s actually 16.