Trigger Warning: Childhood Trauma, Venting, Unhealthy Obsession

Honestly, I don't know what I want out of this other than to be heard. I just want to keep enjoying this obsession because it makes me happy. I have 3 siblings. My mother and father were always verbally abusive, and my father physically abused my mother almost 1-3 times a week, which got progressively worse each year. My parents maintained a fake poker face to project the image of a perfect family. Around age 9, my parents moved to a new church. I'm not sure why we switched churches, but before this move, my mother hadn't been particularly religious while my father attended church seemingly just to appear religious or maintain social connections.

This new church had a multi-building setup with separate spaces for different age groups to hold classes simultaneously. The main building housed the adult services, while other buildings were designated for toddlers, preteens, and teenagers. This arrangement allowed parents to attend their service while their children learned about the Bible in age-appropriate settings.

After about a year, my mother became close friends with a woman named Alma, who eventually became her best friend. Alma had two children, and I became particularly close with her son Jacob, who was a year younger than me. When we were around 10 or 11, our families developed a tradition of eating out together after church almost every Sunday. We also started celebrating holidays together, including New Year's Eve and the Fourth of July, and we frequently invited each other to birthday parties, essentially becoming like extended family. At this point, my mother was becoming really religious. She attended Sunday and Thursday services and was barely ever absent, missing at most 15 times a year or less. She never missed events or the frequent Zoom meetings they held.

At the same time, 10-year-old me had developed feelings for Jacob. We would sit together in classes since our parents were close, so we became close too. He was awkward—I won't lie, maybe I was too, but I was mostly not talkative. I kept things to myself, only speaking if someone spoke to me first or if necessary.

Around age 12, I started doing makeup on myself since I had more access to social media. I started learning how to apply makeup and dress myself not for myself, but for Jacob. I always felt so empty and neglected. At the same time in middle school, I was being bullied in 6th grade for my short stature and big nose. In 7th grade, I started wearing glasses on the tip of my nose—which I still do—and the bullying stopped. My height wasn't really mentioned much, only once or twice from 7th to 8th grade.

In 7th and 8th grade, I was unhealthily obsessed with Jacob. I had changed my appearance, and when I look back sometimes, I see what looked like a 13-year-old trying to appear older. I never paid attention in class; I only attended church for him. I would sometimes hide behind places like a pillar near a building on the church property and admire him from afar after church finished, since some children stayed to talk or play with their friends outside. I was jealous when he wasn't with anyone but me. I know that sounds corny, but it's the truth. I wanted to be with him, wanted to "own" him when I could barely hold a single conversation with him.

Later that year, he confessed to me—his cousin helped him. He knew I loved him and knew he liked me. I had made it obvious, so I wouldn't be surprised if he already knew, but since he was awkward, he needed a little help. I was on cloud nine. At this point, I would always try so hard on Thursdays or Sundays before church to look prettier than the last service, just for him to notice me. Alma didn't give him permission to date until he was 15 or 16. My parents had no problem with it—from what I saw, my mom wanted me to date him. We stayed as friends but were going to wait. We exchanged numbers, and I was so clingy—I always texted a lot and waited for his messages.

At age 14, my world collapsed. I started going to church less frequently as my parents' relationship was on the edge of collapsing. They became more physical and verbal to the point where my mother had enough and divorced him. I stopped going to church since I stayed with my father. I felt completely alone. I only left the house to buy groceries or get fast food with my father since he didn't know how to cook. I am incredibly lonely and want something more for my life. I had started daydreaming at age 12 (something I forgot to mention), which stayed with me into the future. At age 14, I was always daydreaming about weird things like crashing into church with powers, with other original characters I created in my mind. In these dreams, I looked pretty or different, and he would admire me. Surprisingly, I didn't notice him in these dreams, but he would notice me. In these daydreams, I was some type of strong character fighting off other original characters with an imaginary friend group of two—sometimes it was different, but I won't say anything else.

I transitioned around age 14. I cut my hair and started testosterone. Each day, I always tried to stay in one personality and reset the next day if I messed up or broke the persona. After a year—which is now—my transition went well. Before school was ending, I had some problems in school with some random kids. Thankfully, it wasn't about my nose or height; it was about my transition. It did hurt me, but it was whatever. I did not have friends. I do not have friends. I have a disturbing fascination with gore and crime videos.

The divorce really affected me. I'm so unsocial now, and my grades went down drastically. I think I failed all my classes for the second semester of 9th grade. I was so unmotivated, really empty and incomplete like I always was. I started daydreaming about problematic things like an adult boyfriend figure while I was 15 years old—I had sexual scenarios or just fatherly scenarios. I'm on Character.AI and writing on AO3 a lot. Music is my best friend; it helped me through 9th grade, but it was also kind of a problem. I wouldn't be here today typing this out if I didn't cope that way.

I don't go to church anymore. Right now, it's summer break, and I'm staying with my mother and seeing my father twice a month until summer break is over. They agree sometimes but get verbal and always talk bad about each other, especially my father about my mother when it's my turn to stay with him. I don't go to church with my mother. I know Jacob wouldn't like what he sees once he sees me now. He is really Christian due to the household he grew up in with his mother; he's a mama's boy. Sometimes I regret transitioning, but I can't go back now—I'm too far along. I won't be able to reverse my voice changes.

I've stalked the church's page and found recaps of every year of every service, screenshotting any that had any sight of him. I have over 100 photos of him in a secret file. I go into the church's live streams and make sure to screenshot if there's a camera pointed near or at him. I found his number since my younger brother had it because they play Nintendo together. I messaged him as an unknown person and creeped him out—he changed his number, sadly. I searched for his mom and dad on a website to find information about them—I think it's called TruePeopleSearch. I found out their number and address and messaged the mom, pretending to be a person who puts students in some kind of roster for sports each year and needed Jacob's school name and the sport team he's playing for, since I knew he played sports. She said he won't play sports anymore but gave me his school name.

I've been having thoughts like "what if when I'm older, I kidnap or murder him or stalk him."