Hypersexuality and Touch Repulsion

[AFAB] i'm not going to go into detail about my "experiences" (for lack of a better word) in my life, but i'm sure you can get a good idea based on what i'm about to talk about.

it's almost ritualistic. it's the same thoughts and feelings and urges. i don't think i experience normal attraction. even being slightly attracted to someone i immediately go into my head. the positions are the same, it's rough, the foreplay is the same, the things they say beforehand and during. it's so intense it causes physical reactions, if you know what i mean. sometimes i have to take care of it on my own, "ringing the doorbell", violently. it disgusts me; sometimes to the point of considering taking my own life. i'm really attracted to them it gets so bad i can't even look at the person anymore. at the same time, i cannot even fathom the thought of someone touching me, or even attempting to touch me or think of me like that. it triggers my fight or flight response and on several occasions made me vomit. men who have been interested in me before i've almost physically harmed for even suggesting they felt any sort of sexual attraction towards me. i've even declined hugs from friends and family out because i can't stand the thought of being touched in any way. i do not want to be touched AT ALL. when people do touch me, it makes me uncontrollably angry.

like every person though, i do have days where i yearn for a romantic relationship. i'm in my mid 20s and have never been in a relationship. i want to be loved at least once in life, but i'm afraid that these issues would dissolve a relationship before it even starts, so i've been purposely avoiding even trying. it's a constant mental battle of "i don't deserve it" and "i don't want it because i don't deserve it because i'm some unclean, sick, perverted, and disturbed freak".

i don't go to therapy anymore because quite honestly, it's never helped me before, and i'm at the point where i don't think i can be helped. i journal a lot which helps to get my thoughts out, but other than that i've resorted to distracting myself. if i don't think about it, it doesn't exist.

with all that being said, does anybody else experience this? is there anything you've done that has genuinely helped you?