Self destruction is a difficult temptation

I don’t know if temptation is the right word, but nothing else seemed right. It’s a demon looming over, pointing out your every mistake, reminding you, “you’re not a man”.

I have a good wife, a good job, relatively good health. Two working vehicles and roof over my head. But since I was young I was fascinated by pain and suffering. I used to push myself deeper in depression because I felt it had some mobility or justification in it. And I didn’t think I could have anything else that might give me purpose or value. Nothing that would’ve made me matter to others.

This is a bit all over the place. But it feels that each night when I crawl into bed I just want to ruin it all. Slowly spiral myself until I can’t stop. Remind myself how pathetic I am.

I know I have some issues, and I’m something I’m working on. But at night, when I’m exhausted, I feel more willing to think about and describe the feeling.

Wondering if any other guys feel this self destructive tendencies or intrusive thoughts.