Feeling so unsafe in a situation that seems like it should be safe.

Guys. I'm struggling so hard right now and have been for weeks. I believe it's an emotional flashback and I seem to be finding some ways out then get slammed.

I'm sorry this is kind of long and might not make sense beause I'm struggling. I've been struggling so hard to understand if the problem is me.

I'm seeking compassionate responses. I feel fucking awful. I've lived in a new state almost 8 years now and have had a hard time meeting people. I divorced in 2023 and have been really lonely. I get along well with people at work, but have been in a constant state of fear there. New job new neighborhood now. I learned has a very active volunteer and social community. I was so excited to meet all these new people and had a lot of good interactions.

But I started to realize I'm older than a lot of them, I'm in my 40s they are mostly 30s. Not all but many. I'm single and I thought it was great to meet other peopel without kids but I feel like maybe I'm weirding people out. But then some people have invited me to other soical situations and that has been nice. I had a couple younger men hit on me and it was really confusing. One of them seemed really fun and invited me back to his place after a planning meeting to see his apartment because I was looking to move due to my place having mice my landlord won't control. It was fun, he smoked weed and I pretended to. I never sat down he started leaning on me a lot. I'm so insecure I didn't assume anything. I kept moving away and he kept doing it. But I then said I was going to walk home and he offered to walk me. Then I invited him to see the really great view from my deck. More of the same, him leaning, me moving away. I feel so guilty because I liked him but didn't want to assume anything becausse rejection hurts. So I walked him to the door and did a quick hug and closed it behind him.

He texted me when he got home with some bizarre "I look forward to hanging out again. I hope you are okay with physical touch, I'm a very physical person." Mind you he got my number from the volunteer directory. I asked what he meant and kept trying to understand "is this platonic and you just lean on people for comfort" stuff like that. Eventually it sounded to me like he was looking for friends with benefits, then was saying stuff like he needed physical touch but as a single person its hard because he isn't in the space to have a realtionship. I didn't ask or offer anything sexual or affectionate to him. I think he was trying to pretend to be a sensitive, respectful man while also seeing if I would accept his advances. Honestly being around him wasn't that bad, it was all the texts after that.

I know, boundaries. It's been a long time since I've been in social situations with hook up culture and just feel like I'm too old and ugly. Also, I didn't think ti would be a place with a hook up culture. Anyway we were told to work on a project and I said I wanted to plan virtually to avoid more of that physical stuff. He kept his camera off and said it's because it was hot and his shirt was off. That wasn't great. So I turned off my camera too. after we finished planning, I decided to talk about his messages. I asked for an explaination and at one point said "why can't you just be straightforward". He avoided like crazy. Then later that night he sent a weird apology. My first instinct is to say "it's okay and we can be friends" but a friend told me dont' do that and stay awya from him. So eventually he had been super apologetic, asked how he could make ammends. I suspected he was trying to keep me from telling others.

He told me he was thinking he should step back and be less involved. He said "my head hasn't been in it and now I've made another member uncomfortable" I read that as someone besides me and went off and told him he should step back and let someone know so I wasn't left to the project on my own. Then he said he didn't appreciate my language and I don't knw him, he has good relationships with femail friends and peers. This all felt like bullshit but he said he was going to tell someone that he made me uncomfrotable and was stepping back and said he has "nothing to hide". She's in her late 50s and is a bit of a guide to the volunteers. This scared me and I called her and asked it to be confidential. I told her what happened and that he would be calling her but that I wanted her to know my version of the story. She was kinda supportive but also didn't seem to care or want to deal with it. She apologized for handing the project to me. That was actually shitty becuase no one asked me if i wanted to or had the capacity. The spiral really started after this. I asked friends what to do and they said don't tell anyone unless they feel safe or I'm worried they are vulnerable. So I didn't but even that felt awful to hear.

He did end up stepping back but the email from that volunteer kind of praised the "great work" he had been doing and he will be volunteering at a different capacity. I kept mulling over this and read his messages to my therapist. She agreed his first messages were innappropriate but the ones about stepping back were him being responsible. She said the one about him making "another volunteer uncomfortable" mean me in third person. Another friend read it as that as well. I was shocked and have been feeling even worse. She's always been a good therapist. So now I'm spirling and decided to send him a reply a week later saying thanks for keeping his word, and since he offered to make ammends, I would be up for a repair conversation if he was. No response.

I'm dying inside. There was an event this weekend and I just felt like everyone hates me and are werided out by me. I saw him and felt like running. But I decided to walk around and meet the vendors and it was good.

I struggle with this crowd because often they don't talk to me. It's weird, like even when I'm talking to them. Then I also have had them tell me to relax during planning when I ask questions and that makes me feel like such an idiot. I got irritated because one of the vendors needed accessibiltiy assistance and I needed help but was gettin ignored. I don't like this about me and understand these are my issues. I think sometimes i'm also overly friendly, which I read in a differnt thread just now that can make peole uncomfortale. All this realization I am being off putting is making me spiral way more.

I always kind of feel like people hate me but I also have been getting positive feedback like people like to be around me in other situations and peopel here are also nice and friendly too so it's not all bad. Just seems to be happening a lot here. I think because I'm odler too. But I'm not the only older one but there are just so many peopel younger than me.

Anyway, I am worried he has more standing in the community and that he could be smearing me.

I keep thinking I should quit and not come around anymore. But it has been giving me purpose outside of work. I have some friends, but they dno't live close and I really want to be in community.

Another thing about this community is they seem to be progressive, but also mostly white and maybe not as inclusive as I thought.

I start to feel awful like I made him step back, but he said he was going to. On one hand I feel in the wrong and that he is in the right for not replying. but then I remember the stuff he did and said. I feel like I've started to come up for air but as soon as I even think of going back to volunteering it starts over again. I am sad because I had hope this would be a good new addition to my life, but I want to run so bad.

Just a note of how I take care of myself, I've been in therapy most of my adult life, stick to my meds, and have been trying different modalities of therapy so it's not for lack of trying. After he started to get really weird, I gave my weed to a freind to hold so I can take a break.