Rant from a spouse

I don't know how to say this without sounding vain. But I am having a difficult time holding onto the belief that someday my husband is going to bounce back and contribute to our marriage in a more complete way again.

My spouse has been through H*ll with Head and Neck cancer treatment. And I have been there through it all with him. We have 2 kids, 7 and 11. I just feel like I am doing it all alone sometimes. Parenting them, caretaking for him, trying to be grateful for the "normal" moments with my kids but instead I find myself so resentful when I come home and he needs me. And i feel isolated because cancer has been the all consuming topic for a year now, it feels like every move we make throughout the day is dictated by how it will effect my husband in the short or long term.

I don't have anyone to turn to and say damn this sucks. (I do have friends who will answer the phone, just not anyone who gets the weight of this feeling.) My daughter and I had bronchitis 3 weeks ago but my husband was also detoxing from serious opioid pain medication on top of continuing to recover from cancer treatment. I really needed to be in bed but he also needed hydration through his feeding tube, to have his vitals checked, to have his meds crushed and administered, to have blankets and socks and hoodies taken on and off and his back rubbed from body aches, and still tend to my sick daughter... I just feel like my needs aren't even registering. I think i was further irked when he said it's just a little chest cold. (Yup, I can't compete with cancer but damn my pain is still my own when I can't breathe and feel like h*ll).

Cancer has put his body through so many changes, he hasn't had teeth in 6 months due to invasive surgery, his voice and speech are massively affected, he isn't as sharp or bright due in part to pain meds and brain fog.

My husband is just a shell of a person right now and it has taken a toll on us.

I don't need to hear how bad I suck. I know the vows I took when I married him 16 years ago and I know this isn't the only thing our marriage has overcome but it feels like its having the largest impact. I just need to know it will get better, that I'm not a monster for having unmet needs right now, or for saying it is truly hard adjusting to the physical changes cancer has put my husband through.