I need experience, strength, and/or hope!

Hello,

I'm 26 years old and I just got 5 years clean. I have a sponsor, read/write on steps, make meetings, have a home group, talk to NA members, and do group/regional level service.

Despite all of that, I obsess about if I'm truly an addict and if I belong in NA. I constantly compare my story/using history to others and I find myself to not be as bad as them. I want certainty that I'm an addict and that I belong in NA. I have OCD as well and certainty-seeking is a well-known symptom of OCD.

Sometimes, I feel jealous that I didn't get to use as long and as freely as others. Also, sometimes, I feel regret that I didn't use more.

Some people say that if you're not convinced about whether you're an addict or not, then you need to go back out and do more research. Part of me is afraid that that will end up being my fate and the other part is trying to use this as justification to go back out.

The complicated thing is that I don't know if all of this stuff is OCD bullshit (all of these things could be intrusive thoughts/feelings that don't mean anything), the disease of addiction, or a mix of both.

I work so hard at my recovery yet I still have to deal with this bullshit. It pisses me off.

I feel really alone and unique in the hell my brain makes me experience.

I hope this made sense and thank you for reading. Please comment any experience, strength, and/or hope you may have.