Mother daughter relationship

Salam Alaikum sisters and the men who shouldn’t be on here.

I need advice. I’m so sorry that this is long.

Heaven lies beneath the mother’s feet, as we are all taught. Yet, I don’t have much of a relationship with my mother due to my upbringing. Her abusing me, her mocking me, her reminding me of how much she regrets having me, the list goes on. Yet I crave that mother daughter relationship I’ll never be able to have and it’s a relationship my mom wants but puts no effort in, whereas I try my best with the limit I’m able to give.

After I married, I found myself never really reaching out to call either of my parents because I didn’t have a close relationship with them. They were very strict, they made me almost housebound, aside from school. I was forbidden from making friends and occasionally I wasn’t allowed to see my cousins because my parent(s) had issues with one of their own siblings.

Although my relationship has improved with my father, who I feel comfortable calling, my mother is not anyone I’m interested in reaching out to, but I do out of respect with the energy I’m able to gather up. She is an undiagnosed narcissist, based on my own therapist’s assessment over the years of describing my mother and all the things she has inflicted on me.

Currently I’m pregnant at 8 months. My mother has been insisting I have a baby and I never understood why she keeps pushing for it. It’s not like I live near her, it’s not like she’s put effort to visit me once, whereas I’ve visited many times. I’ve been married for 5 1/2 years now and I’m having my first baby after a couple miscarriages.

I didn’t tell my mother I was pregnant until I was 4 months, but I was hoping to tell her at 6 months. It’s just that she wouldn’t stop calling and asking me to have a baby, even though I was trying and had unsuccessful results. When I first miscarried, she didn’t worry about my health at all, she cared more about my brother and his wife’s option of me. She cares more about the opinions of others vs what I’m enduring. She shamed me for wanting to bury my baby at my parents home, because at the time, this is all I could mentally accept. But my brother judged me and this triggered my mother. Hence why I withheld telling her of my second miscarriage and waited to tell her of my third pregnancy.

As I told my parents about the news, I made it very clear that I want nobody to know of my pregnancy until I am 6 months after the trauma of losing two babies. I kept repeating myself in hopes my mother would grasp what I’m saying. I told her that I am avoiding stress as much as I can and if more people knew, my stress levels will spike. This was during Ramadan. I really hoped that at least during Ramadan she would respect my one request. Again, I requested for her to tell nobody, especially her mother. Because my grandma would immediately start telling everyone else.

Not even a week goes by, my mother tells my grandma and my grandma began spreading the news. I didn’t know of this yet until I accidentally called my mom, only to hear my grandma say, “how’s your daughter’s pregnancy?” My heart began racing and my stress levels immediately spiked and I was fighting not to have a panic attack. I didn’t know this is how I would react at all, I didn’t realize how scared I was for others to hear the news before I was ready. Even by 6 months. I was still scared to tell anyone I was pregnant, I would immediately start shaking.

I closed the call on my mother without saying my salam, because I started to cry and she hates when I cry. She gets angry and judges me and laughs at occasion, mocking me for having any emotions. Before I ended the call, I heard my mother say to her mom, while she laughed it off, “didn’t I tell you not to tell anyone?”…… so why is it not ok for me to make that request but it’s ok for her to do so? My aunt was there as well, so she learned of the news before.

My mom called immediately after a few times, but i rejected her calls as I was trying not to have a panic attack and tried to breathe and control my heart rate, only to start feeling my baby suddenly kick and move a lot, which isn’t something I was even experiencing much of. She messages me and said, “And why do you care if I tell others? Poor thing is your grandma, she deserves to know.” ……. That’s because my grandma is bored and anything she hears, she will talk to others about.

I haven’t spoken to my mom since Ramadan. Prior to all of this, I asked my mother if she can come here when I give birth as I’ll need my mother. I didn’t want to do it alone with my husband. I wanted her help the first week or two. That I wanted her food and nobody else’s. I kept trying to see what she’d say before I told her the news of my pregnancy. Her response was, “well, I don’t like sleeping at other people’s homes and your brothers need me more.” I told her, “I am your daughter, I am clean, I will make sure everything is extra clean and put together for you so you feel comfortable, you’ll have your own bathroom.” She still said no, then maybe. My own mother. Whom I am trying to have any form of respect and relationship with because Allah says so.

Again, I am 8 months pregnant. I don’t have much time left before the baby is here and my parents are visiting me, but they will visit weeks after the babies due date and only for a couple of days. They won’t even bother to stay at my home, they will get a motel, a place much dirtier to my mother and she dislikes motels deeply. I was offended and expressed it to my father and straight up told him that my own mother does not love me. Otherwise she wouldn’t be like this.

They are only coming because I called my father, crying to him telling him how others ask me, “are your parents visiting you when your babies here?” And I tell them, “I don’t know if they will.” I feel so much sadness and shame. Because I have tried having this discussion before and both my parents say they don’t know, they can’t afford it (so I offered to pay for their tickets), etc. it made me feel unloved and unimportant to them. They asked me to fly to them and have the baby there…. But there is no room for me in the house even when i visit. I sleep on the couch or next to my brother. Plus all my baby items are here, all my things are here.

My husband tells me to call my mother because if I don’t, how will things unfold when they visit for the 2-3 days? Last thing I need is stress and my mother always makes any event that’s supposed to be happy very very very negative. She makes it about her and hates when attention is on anyone else. Mind you, she kept having babies because she likes babies and the attention it got her based on what her sisters have expressed. They couldn’t even afford to have us, it was because of Allah we got by.

What do I do? How do I reach out to a mother who doesn’t care for me? As soon as I call, she will give me attitude and ask me why I never call and why I’m being dramatic. When I have been trying to protect my baby and not go through further stress. Plus I have HG for anyone who knows what that is. I was very sick and weak throughout my pregnancy. I couldn’t deal with extra things. I get emotionally weak around her. I lose myself and my anger overtakes me. I don’t know how to reach out and handle her.

All I’ve wanted was an apology but she’s never once apologized for anything. I’ve asked my father if he’s ever heard her say “I’m sorry” or “I love you”. He said no. So I do t expect one, but I am tired of everyone enabling her behavior and letting her off free like that. I wanted her to learn a lesson from all of this. Which is highly unlikely to happen, but i want her to see that she can’t get everything her way anymore. What do I do? 🫩