i just want my life back

i thought getting my wisdom teeth removed would quell my discomfort, not germinate more. i’ve not gone a single day since december without being in constant pain ranging from moderate to the most poignant agony. i’m housebound for the most part save for tmj related appointments. i went out this weekend on a bit of a non tmj related jaunt for the first time all year. the FIRST TIME ALL YEAR! i can’t even fucking wash my hair for days on end because i’m in such extraordinary pain. i was a musician prior to this but i can hardly sing now because of my locked jaw. i can’t think because of the constant pressure in my head and i’ve never felt stupider. my days are spent in vain trying to slake my pain. nothing helps and nothing sticks. no one’s told me i need surgery but i’m terrified it’s going to come to that anyway. i’m not physically or mentally well enough for surgery thanks to some other shit i’ve got going on so the thought just makes me spiral further. i miss my life. i miss the person i use to be. i miss being able to do the trivial things i used to take for granted without having to plan around the precarious nature of my pain. i can’t foresee living a life like this any longer. i don’t want to live a life like this any longer. it’s broken me down to my very foundations. the pain of watching my potential slip away and being powerless to do anything about it hurts almost as much as the physical pain. does it ever get better? or am i doomed for all time?