Pnc I feel so gross

Ugh. I hate that part of me wants to get sexual with men and yet I feel this way toward them after orgasm. Actually, I would say my baseline feeling toward them is yuck, outside of cocks. Sometimes I’ll be pleasuring myself in max arousal states and then the media I’m watching will show his face and it makes me go soft. I think it makes me feel feminine desiring cock and would feel affirming to my gender (trans) getting sexual with a man but idk. I’m so lost with all of this.