I don’t know what to do.

This is my first Reddit post so I apologize if I don’t really make sense and this will be long .
Recently I’ve been very mentally drained, it comes and goes but I usually clean to keep myself occupied might be the ADHD or just the fact I have nothing better to do living in a small town with little to no contact with people. My best friend(F 20) and boyfriend (M 21) live with me (F 22), we have lived together for 3 years and usually I’m very attentive to both of them equally as a best friend and girlfriend Atleast I try to be….
Recently this last week I’ve been deep cleaning the house (we have 4 dogs, 2 cats) it gets dirty and dusty quickly in this rural area and I felt we all needed a refresh. I usually keep up with the house duties since my best-friend and boyfriend work crazy hours. We all live with MY family (my dad) who is almost 70 and I want to stay close with him after moving away from all the rest of my family . I realized lately I’ve been kind of neglecting my responsibilities. I haven’t kept up with routines, goals, hobbies, school (I’m a drop out) and I don’t even have a job anymore. I have crazy fear of missing out, anxiety blah blah whatever. I understand I need to get help and I take full accountability no matter the excuse, I got a computer to start on my education again, I’ve started waking up early and getting back into routines but it’s only been this short week and I don’t know how long this “courage” will last.

It’s been a long week, I was looking forward to going to a pride festival with my bestfriend and boyfriend, we were going to get out of our small town and get to have some quality time together it’s been a while and they work all week so this weekend was perfect timing for them. Until things went downhill, my bestfriend was feeling overwhelmed and couldn’t handle how many people there were, how hot it was and was having trouble communicating that to me. I tried to understand and reason with her but I started getting frustrated , it was loud and she thought I was yelling at her during a conversation (there was someone on stage with a mic) . I got mad when she told me not to yell because I really wasn’t trying to and then I actually did raise my voice. That caused her to walk off and want to leave, we texted and exchanged words and I think she understood I wasn’t mad but was just trying to understand her and I came off wrong. Just a little later she came back we finished the pride festival and went home, when we got back home from a 2 hour drive we argued again. It got worse, she took off to her mom’s house and stayed there for the night and that was it.
I was a bit confused, I didn’t know really why emotions were so high and why it was escalating so quickly I just knew we were both not in a great mood and needed space. I was worried about her, we have life 360 so I checked on her she was with her mom and her phone was charging so I was relieved she was safe. But I had a gut wrenching feeling, I kept waking up and checking to see if she texted me. We don’t normally argue or have disagreements and when we do it’s always very short, and if it is crucial we usually resolve it and she would text me or I’d text her but this time was different.
I went up to her room the next morning, I know I shouldn’t have. But I did and I was worried because I got to thinking about how she’s been in her room closed off a lot more on her days off while I clean etc. The first thing I saw was tissues in the trash can, right in the open with blood on them. (She has a history of self harm) , I’ve dealt with that myself and still don’t know how to end self harm but just being there for her and doing everything I can possible. Just listening to her concerns and validation. I checked her journal that was on her desk, it had suicide notes along with two more I found they were addressed to her mom and dad and one mentioned me briefly as she questioned if I ever got exhausted being her friend. I didn’t know what to do, I freaked out but kept my calm. I was never going to confront her about it and was hoping she would open up to me and I would listen, I felt like shit I’ve been so distant this week just not really being on my phone and replying to her work snaps or asking her how she’s feeling but more just asking how work is going and then arguing at pride. My dad told me to wait it out and just listen to her feeling and that’s exactly what I wanted.
She texted me saying we needed to talk while she was still taking space at her moms, I understood and told her okay and she replied saying she would come and talk to me soon. When she came back home she told me she wanted to speak in private so we went to my room and she told me she was upset that during our argument I called her a bitch/idiot. I told her I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it. No matter what I say I knew it was wrong of me. Then she told me she wanted to move out and that since living with me for 3 years she hasn’t gotten any better or improved and she wants to leave back to her dads. I don’t know, to me it felt like it was my fault or that I did something to cause that feeling.
I got upset because I really care for her, she’s my bestfriend. Just like a sister we do everything together, I keep her close to me because I feel like nobody is like her and we clicked instantly. She’s sensitive but that taught me to be soft. Although I’m Sensitive too and maybe that just clashes. I’m so upset with myself and I asked her why she wanted to leave, and go back to a place she so clearly hated and wanted to get out of, she’s told me so many things about living in that household and what it did to her. Now she just wants to leave and go back to it….If it were just because there are more resources and more opportunities then she could’ve just told me that and I would’ve been more than encouraging to get her the help she needs. but no she didn’t give me an answer or explanation, she didn’t even tell me she wanted to seek mental help.
I had to tell her I saw the notes, and that I think she needs to get help. When I mentioned that she got upset and said “you looked through my journal” even though I’ve seen all of her past journals and every single horror story in them that she went through and she showed it all to me. I cried and told her I was so sorry for not doing enough and checking on her, I haven’t been up in her room for like a week and I used to go up there everyday or she would be in mine hanging out with me.

At this point I don’t know how to help, what to do or even less what to say. I’m besides myself, I really wish I could help her and myself at the same time. I never wanted her to leave or lose her but if it’s for the best I understand, and maybe I don’t deserve to know the full details but I sure do care.

Thanks for reading my Ted talk please give input.