Feel like I’m losing my family, don’t know what to do

My family is falling apart I feel and I am so lost and have no clue what to do. It’s a lot but need to get it out so bear with me.

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 yrs and we are a blended family. She has a son and I have two daughters all of which live with us, going to call them ours since that is how I feel and how it is. Anyways, our kids are now older, 19 19 and 18. Our son is in college and doing what he needs to do and doing great. Our oldest daughter had a failed attempt freshman year away at school and is now back home with us and our youngest daughter is here and will be starting at a local community college.

Throughout the last 10 years that we’ve been together, our oldest daughter and my wife have had many many spats, nothing violent, just a lot of loud arguments and stuff. Things are completely complicated between them. They are so much alike it’s nuts.

The biggest thing that starts these is disrespect from the daughter to the wife. She’s never been able to keep her room clean that it’s now become such a subject that even the smallest thing creates a blow up. There is a lot more, a lot of I hate you from our daughter to my wife during these arguments and things like that. My daughter blames my wife for everything and has gotten better but always used to (still does sometimes) but used to push all the time, just push push push.

My wife, she grew up in a household where people expressed themselves. It was really just her and her mom and her grandmother. They’d yell and argue and laugh and cry and talked about everything, super super close relationship. Me, I grew up opposite, when I’d get in trouble, my dad would talk to me and stuff but he wouldn’t yell, I’m close with my parents in a sense but nothing like my wife and her mom and grandmother were. I don’t tell my parents much other than what I want them to know.

My wife lost her grandmother in 2021 and her mom suffered a stroke in 2018 and passed in 2023. These loses absolutely wrecked my wife, she still struggles on days with not having them. So it’s a been a long road these last 10 years.

Anywho, today, we had a major blow up, after having our last one just a couple weeks ago between our daughter and my wife. Today was a big one though. One of the deals with our daughter coming back after not taking freshman year away at school serious was that she needs to work, get in the community college here and keep her room clean and be respectful, no shitty comments or anything due to the last blow up we had when she first got back. They both have bpd along with anxiety and depression which adds another layer to all this. The room has been ok but earlier this week, she said she wanted to rearrange her room so it may be messy for a few days. We said fine, just clean it by Sunday. Yesterday our daughter asked me when it had to be done, I said Sunday but you can vacuum Monday if needed as I thought she may be working all weekend and that it was done outside of that. She was her today for a while and she was working on it the other day or yesterday maybe but she brought out some stuff into the hallway that needed to be thrown away. Earlier today I told her to make sure she tosses that stuff out and get it out of the hallway. She left the house this evening and my wife asked me if she took the stuff out, so I called and asked her and she said she forgot so I told her to come back and do that. Then my wife and I checked her room and it wasn’t done so when she got home we got on her about cleaning it and things just escalated from there, yelling crying I’m moving out right now I hate you you drive me crazy you’re crazy, just a hot mess.

Our youngest daughter came out during the fight and is very upset and crying and tried to calm it. She thought she heard someone say they were going to hit the other which not at all the case and I know that because I was in the middle of it the entire time and would have not allowed anything like that. I just made her go back in her room and not get involved.

I know I should have been more on her about it and following up with her about which is where a lot of my wife’s frustration comes from which is me not doing enough to improve and fix the situation. Not setting rules and stuff earlier with my daughters to show respect to the parents and not defending my wife to them more when things would happen. I know I should and could have probably done more to help but I have tried to talk to them all about things and have tried staying on the bedroom and checking in with everyone and then I slowly stop and it gets bad and things blow up and the cycle just repeats.

With how I was raised and stuff I didn’t really yell much when they were little and since my wife will raise her voice when she gets upset, they don’t know how to deal with it. Our oldest raises back which leads to yelling and it just escalates. Our youngest gets upset and cries and shuts down. Our son is used to it and just goes with it, knows she will raise her voice or yell then be cool afterwards.

After today’s blow up, it just feels like my family is falling apart right in front of me. My wife feels alone and isolated and that everyone hates her and blames her for everything wrong. Our oldest daughter blames her for everything, doesn’t take responsibility for much, and has said during these fights she hates her and stuff. Once the dust settles they will talk and things are alright but it’s very awkward and tense for a few days after these blowups. Our youngest said she doesn’t feel like she can talk to us. I talked to her after everything tired and explained the situation some and that she can always come talk to us, she gets emotional very quickly and will start crying.

There is so much to unpack and get through and I just don’t know what to do. My youngest I’m going to keep iterating that she can talk to us about stuff and we’ve shown her and all of them that many times. Outside of these situations which come down to disrespect and stuff they’ve come to talk to us about things and it’s always been judgement free. I got drunk at a party, I smoke or vape, had sex, had a pregnancy scare, got them birth control, took in my youngest boyfriend because he had some family issues. I know they should know they can approach us about anything. My oldest and the disrespect and wanting to be adult but not and my wife feeling alone and that everyone in the house hates her and that I don’t have her back and don’t do anything to help or keep my promises to her when I try to fix the situation.

I just feel like it’s all crumbling along me and I can’t do anything about it. I know I need to stay on top of things but it’s so easy to get caught up in life that it slips and then it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. One day it’s going to get bad and it won’t be recoverable. I do want to change and I do want to fix the situation and set everyone up for success, but it just feels like no matter what another one is right around the corner and then our daughter will leave the house for real and be done, my wife will lose her mind and that will just be a wrap. I almost got up and wrote a letter to everyone in the house explaining where I am at and that I love them all and that rules for the kids need to be followed, accept responsibility for my part in all this and just my mindset I guess with all this overall, but I don’t want to be a martyr or anything and don’t want a response at all from it

Sorry, just lost, tired and needing to say it out loud. I just don’t know what to do Any advice or comments are welcomed