My shame

Not able to forgive myself. My OCD constantly flares up numbers. I did not cheat my wife 30 times i made 30 attempts. I did not meet 30 girls I met 10 girls. The constant flaring up of numbers is causing lot of anxiety and I almost break down when numbers come up.

The way I see things now are very different from where I was trapped in the cycle. There is constant doubt whether I loved my wife. How could I do those things if I loved her? I realise I was mentally ill but the fact it took me so long to realise is adding up to the guilt