How didn't I realize how sick I am

So I realized today I'm ill mentally. I was trying to tell someone about my problem and they said "well do your family and friends tell you they are annoyed of you" in response to me saying I'm angry that my family even called 911 or tried to find me at all when I would've died last month.

They don't tell me that im annoying or a burden but i still feel that way. But since my suicide attempt last month (spent 5-7 days in the ICU and on oxygen and numerous random things I don't understand) I had to cut off half my hair because the nurses told everyone I was too violent to touch (I don't remember that) but I don't know what to do. I gave away all my things this past year and a half, I don't want to be around. I utilize every resource I can with mental health and they WONT admit me to a psych ward.

I don't know what to do. My cats seem like the only living things that actually see how much I'm drowning just being here.