I still cry over my deceased mother after 9 years.

For context, I'm a 17 year old male with ADHD and autism, and I'll be turning 18 later this year. My mom died in 2017 when I was only 8 years old, and it left a hole in my heart that can't be filled. My mom was an amazing woman. She fostered dogs, she sang me lullabies to help me fall asleep, and she brought home a kitten one time when I was 4 years old. She loved me and my younger sister (12 y/o, turning 13 in September) to no ends. Even when we were difficult, she still loved us unconditionally. She was the light of my life, but she flickered out too early. And now, 9 years later, when I'm going into my senior year of high school, I'm still grieving. Sometimes, I think my life has gone downhill ever since she died. I've been slacking off in school, suppressing my emotions, and distancing myself from everyone, even my family, because I'm scared that I could lose them at a moment's notice. Her death had lingering effects on me that I've been trying to do away with, but one that I don't foresee going away any time soon is the crying. Every time I go into the living room, I see a photo of my mom holding me as a toddler while I'm reaching out to the camera, and I think about a life I could have had if she was still alive. Sometimes, I take that picture off the wall and hug it tightly to my chest, desperate to feel her touch. Some nights, I go up to my room and cry into my blankets, wishing she would come back and love me again. Whenever I go to visit my grandparents on my mom's side, I always feel sad, because I know they wish their daughter could live a happy and fulfilling life, watching her kids laugh, love, and succeed in life. Sometimes, when I go out on a walk, I look up to the sky and ask: "Mom, are you proud of me?". Sometimes, I wish my dad would find a new girlfriend, just so I could have SOMEONE to call "Mom". In fact, for a while, I had just that. My dad had found a woman he liked who would visit us every now and then. And for a while, I felt like things were finally turning around. I felt like my sister and I would have a new mom, and I felt like my dad would finally find a new wife. But it didn't last. My dad eventually broke up with her for reasons I don't know, and it went back to square one. Back to the three of us, one of us going BACK to grieving over their dead mother. I still think about her every now and then. I've started watching My Little Pony just because she liked it. I've started sleeping with old blankets that my mom gifted to me so I could cling to something, anything to remind me of her love. I've even turned from Hellenism to Christianity, just so that when I inevitably shuffle off this mortal plane, I'll hopefully go to Heaven and see her again. You know your death has impacted someone when they turn away from a religion, then turn BACK to it years later in hopes of seeing you again in the afterlife.

I miss you, Mom. Know that I'll always remember you until the day I die. I'll visit your grave every Mother's Day, every July 10th (her birthday), every November 17th (my birthday), and whenever I feel down. Because I know that's what you'd want from me.