venting about internalized ableism and jealousy

there was a post about being ashamed of yourself that made me think of this but to be clear i know this doesn't apply to all adhd people and there are a lot of people with adhd who are straight up geniuses but sometimes i am so envious that people have the attention span to just... know things. literally anything. i'm not smart or talented, i barely even have hobbies because everything except writing (and the very occasional videogame) can't hold my interest. i'm 27 with the maturity and attention span of a toddler. it's so mortifying.

when i see someone rattle off a bunch of facts that they just memorized and know off-hand because they're an expert or just very well informed about something i'm so jealous. when someone has a skill, even if they don't think of it as much, i just admire it so much.

i saw this stream for storm watches in my province and i was just like in awe the whole time like man, these people are good at something that actually helps people and they're doing something with it. that's so cool. i barely remember anything i learned about weather in science. i couldn't name all the types of clouds if i tried. even if i looked it up right now and tried to memorize them all and their characteristics i'd probably forget them by tuesday.

and the streamers kept mentioning these storm chasers and stuff who are also presumably well-informed and who are risking their lives and safety to keep people informed and it's like. i literally have been having anxiety attacks all weekend because i need to call the CRA. it's honestly so embarrassing i can't even stand it.

during my assessment i got good score for vocabulary but everything else was average. maybe even below average for some of it, i don't remember because it just embarrassed me so much. i dropped out of school because of my mental health tanking bigtime and essentially ended up being "unschooled" but by a neglectful parent so grade four is the farthest i was taught. technically i only went to grade two, three, and four because my social issues as a child were so bad my parents gave up on sending me to kindergarten or grade one.

i'm on disability because doing pretty much anything at all is relentlessly overwhelming and the only things i can seem to care about and that don't drain me are what you would charitably call "pointless bullshit." i can't even socialize because i forgot how to mask my audhd when my mom died and my OCD and anxiety went on a rampage through my life and now the paranoia is debilitating.

i don't really have any friendships other than my sister and as much as i wish i'd gotten a proper education, i can barely stomach making a phone call as it is. i admire smart people so much. i feel pretty doomed as far as life goes honestly. it's like things are too bad to ever even fix them.

i'm considering asking my psychiatrist about vyvanse because it seems to have the least side effects of the adhd meds i've looked into. but part of me is just like... what if it works and then i run out of creativity and can't write? then i'm just a horrendously stupid loser with no prospects, but with slightly better focus. is that really even better? it's not like i have anything to offer? i know i have some internalized ableism or whatever but it's just really hard to respect myself at all. wish i had gotten help or a diagnosis when i was younger. but people have had it worse than me and still succeeded, so i really have no excuse. shoulda locked in, now i'm locked out. barf. anyway.