The Finale Made Me Abstract in Real Life.

I didn't think I'd ever feel bad for Jax, but after seeing how anticlimactic his abstraction actually was and just how horrible his backstory was too, this was one of the worst decisions I've ever made.

And knowing that none of the players were ever real combined with how little I have to live for, how I'll probably lose even that soon, and how much of myself I see in Jax, plus the fact that all of their real selves (yes, even including his) are living much better lives than I ever will, has finally convinced me to just give up on my life for good.

Heck you know what? I AM Jax. Because I'm always the person that pushes people away by exaggerating a portion of my personality, and even literally once or twice when I could get away with it (btw I'm surprised he did considering he accodentally MURDERED HIS MOM). Then something outside anyone's control (besides God's, but I don't see why He/They keep/s doing it) brings me back and helps me recover. But this time, I'm confident that won't happen anymore.

If it were possible to abstract in real life, I would've done so a few hours ago. But since it isn't, I'm gonna keep living as if I were. So trapped in my pit of emotions its impossible to get out no matter what's tried. Barely eking out the fake super-excited instructor personality I need to to stay employed, fed, and housed. And that's all my life is ever gonna be and all its ever gonna do - stagnate. Just like all the digital players who can't even leave the circus bc there's nothing to leave to.

To everyone who's about to comment or DM me, please don't try to be my Pomni. Its gonna end exactly as we saw it with her and the actual Jax. Because at the end of the day, my life will have been nothing more than collateral damage for everyone else to live their best lives no matter what little tries to stop them, just like his.

I'm willing to bet that at 26, I've got at least a few years on just about everyone here and spent them trying to advance my career and form meaningful, lasting relationships. But every time, it hasn't worked and I lost whatever I fought so hard to keep. And at some point, you have to decide when its not worth it to keep going through this pointless, infinite cycle. For me, that point is now and tonight.

If you're going to try to point out that the abstracted might be able to be brought back, I'll just tell you I'm not going to live on the tiniest sliver of hope and faith that's so insignificant I ultimately never get to benefit from it. So from now on, my body will continue to live until He finally calls it home to reunite with my found grandma who lost her cancer battle last week. But my mind, soul, and spirit are dead and buried.

I could go on and on about how I'm a gender-nonconforming male just like Jax in terms of femininity (but not in what I identify, just interests, mannerisms, and things like that). But none of that would change the fact that I'm literally Jax if he weren't a misogynistic sociopath who loves violence and bloodshed as much as he does. And that includes his paranoia about starting relationships and revealing truths knowing you could be deeply hurt by how they're revealed or end, his age - both of us are mentally 22 but I'm physically older by 4 years -, his tendency to guiltlessly lie to get the reactions he wants, his sick and twisted sense of humor which goes off of people getting hurt A LOT, his tendency to escape dangerous situations by pure dumb luck, and most importantly his ultimate fate. A lifeless husk and empty shell who only became that way because he had to be used as a sentient lesson to ensure everyone else around him can have perfect or near-perfect lives and live their happily ever afters or as close to them as possible. Or because his past was so traumatizing he never stood a chance at recovery. Just like me.

I'm not happy until the circus gets destroyed. That way Jax doesn't have to suffer anymore and everyone else just disappears too - I never should've cared about them because they were never real. And I think I might as well not be real too given that SO many other people my age have near perfect lives and about half of them are married and counting. And I've still never been in a relationship.

The point is - I've abstracted as much as is possible to in real life. And just like actual abstraction, there is no going back. So as much as I can try to appreciate someone's efforts to be my Pomni, everyone needs to just stop trying. Because that jumbled mess of eyes and void stuck under that tent is all I'll ever be until I finally leave this broken, sinful world. The end.