I escaped, but my sibling didn't.

I grew up in what I can only describe as a warzone.

My parents had a terrible divorce, and both of them were physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was especially damaging. She was emotionally volatile, controlling, and often irrational. In our family dynamic, I was the scapegoat and my sibling was the golden child.

Because my sibling conformed to the role my mother placed them in, I endured a lot of sibling abuse from them too. I was labeled as “angry” or “difficult” because I pushed back, asked questions, and refused to fully buy into my mother’s version of reality, especially when it came to relationships, loyalty, and family.

I was not perfect. I know I reacted badly at times because I was hurt, confused, and constantly on defense. But I also tried to reconcile with my sibling many times. I wanted a relationship with them. I wanted us to eventually see what had happened to us instead of continuing the roles we were assigned as kids.

As we got older and my sibling moved out, my relationship with my mother temporarily improved. Looking back, I think it improved because I became useful to her. She would constantly complain to me about my sibling, the same sibling she had always favored. At first, I felt validated, but I learned pretty quickly that she was triangulating. She was doing the same thing to my sibling that she had done to me, just from a different angle.

Eventually, I went no contact with my mother. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At first, I did it with no support. No one was validating me. No one was standing beside me saying I was making the right choice. I had to choose myself while still questioning whether I was the problem, because that is what I had been conditioned to believe. But I survived. I built a life outside of her version of reality.

After I went no contact, the smear campaign started. My mother tried to destroy me.

It felt like my whole life had been a lie. People my mother had always described as “bad,” “crazy,” “toxic,” or “against her” turned out to be some of the most grounded, rational, loving people I have ever known. I became very close with family members who were no longer in my mother’s circle, and it changed everything for me. Once I realized my mother was lying about me, I had to face the fact that she had probably lied about them too.

For a long time, I was extremely angry at my sibling. I blamed them for the way they treated me and for how much they participated in the family narrative about me. I still think they caused real harm. But recently, I came across their Reddit posts. They do not know I found them. From what they have written, I think they may be starting to come to the same conclusions I did about our mother.

That has been hard to process.

Part of me wants to reach out to them and be forgiving. I know they were also raised in the same abusive system. I know being the golden child does not mean they were not abused. In some ways, they may have been manipulated just as deeply, only in a different way.

But I am also scared.

Their posts make me question whether they truly see our mother clearly, or whether they still idolize her in some ways. My sibling has also been an unreliable narrator in the past, especially when it comes to things involving me. I worry that reaching out could reopen old wounds, give them information to use against me, or pull me back into the same triangulation I worked so hard to escape.

I do not want revenge. I do not want drama. I do not want to punish them forever if they are genuinely starting to wake up to what happened. But I also do not want to confuse forgiveness with access.

For anyone who has been the scapegoat, dealt with a golden child sibling, or gone no contact with an abusive parent: how did you know whether it was safe to reconnect with a sibling?

Is it better to wait and let them come to me? Should I send one careful message with no expectations? Or is the safest thing to keep my distance unless they show real accountability first?

I am trying to figure out the difference between compassion and self-abandonment.