I feel like I'm not valid and I'm spiralling

idk I've been sort of relapsing the past few days and I've come across some of my old notes about my mental health issues that were written by professionals. for instance, I know I have atypical anorexia, which kills me. but all of my notes it says "disordered eating" and "disordered eating behaviour" and I know it was written by the management of my old residential, who didn't take it seriously, but still. I don't believe that I'll gain weight from one meal or one day of eating, I can eat things untracked, I don't have specific fear foods or a "fear" of food for that matter. and I barely feel guilty after eating, unless it was during extreme hunger. I want to be as effed mentally as I was in 2024 so I feel valid, even though I didn't feel valid then. I don't have a problem and I do it for control and care seeking. I'm just an attention seeker. I wish my anorexia was real. I feel like the term "disordered eating" is too big of a term for me, I'm not even that bad to say I have that. plus I went into ed behaviours because I wanted it (as well as a need for control and hating my body) because I thought people would take me seriously if I had a big problem like anorexia. I'm just a massive faker. maybe I should just end it. and I'm really impatient I want to see results and lose a ton of weight and be skinner than I was at my lowest. and maybe I do want to go to hospital again. I keep getting flashbacks(?) idk if they are from hospital. one smell or picture then it all comes flooding back and I feel like the only way I can get it out of my head is to go back to how I was when I was there- worse physically and mentally. I just want to be ill and I feel so fucked up and horrible about it because people would kill to be mentally well. I'm just so lost right now.