I do hope that I won't make it 5 more years.

Hi, I need to vent.

I hate that I exist.

Life does in fact, feel really meaningless and nothing works out for me. So honestly? I'm 27 now and I don't hope I will make it past 30. I'm done, really. If everything has to be the worst case scenario, so I won't bother even trying. I tried so hard, gave my best and it was worthless.

Why do I have to stuff to make friends? Why can't I find love? Why is it so fucking hard to get a better job. I'm hopeless. I'm trying so hard including, therapy, mental hospital, rehab etc. I try my best, being friendly as much as I can and it's not enough. I was never enough.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to do this any longer either. I'm tired of putting work into anything again and again so I get the worse outcome. Maybe I actually wasn't meant to exist. Maybe me having no friends IRL, an abusive family, being a victim of SA and domestic violence is just the way of life telling me, I wasn't supposed to exist.

So Honestly after years of trying? I don't want to do this anymore. I won't make any move in this direction but I hope the universe gets an idea, how to get rid of me.

I mean, ofc there would be cool things to have one day, like friends, family or someone who loves me but hey, after all no amount of work I put into myself was enough. So, I give up.