Filed for divorce then stayed with her ex. Unsurprised, still hurts.

My wife/pwBPD split on me during an argument 2 months ago, packed her car and left when I was gone on a business trip a few days later, and relocated to a different state staying with aunts and friends. Did a smear campaign so horrible I didn’t know it was possible. Claimed I was dangerous and that I am a monster. She has repeatedly told me I’ve left her no choice but to file for divorce for her own safety for her future children’s sake etc blah blah blah. She told me that she filed when she was feeling strong and angry at me (devaluation phase) so that when she flipped back to love mode and wanted to return home, she’d already started the divorce process, and all of her friends and family would think I’m dangerous and tell her not to.

She called me last night to tell me she wants to come home, she wants to cancel it, and that she wanted to ask me if she could come back a week ago. She felt like that was her being “weak” and that she would break and stay with me if she visited, so she called and visited/had tons of sex with her ex for the last 7 days so that she would break our marital covenant, and I wouldn’t take her back. My first thought was that I didn’t want her back until she told me that, now I do again but I think that’s the trauma chemical bond talking because I want to “win”.

She’s meeting with some pastor today in Colorado because she feels so spun out of control and awful about it.

I knew that would happen. I knew she would do that. I don’t even know how to feel about it - I’m not mad and feel like I should be. I know why she did it, and I know why I haven’t done that yet. I know she’s incapable of emotional regulation, she doesn’t have a sense of self, and the shame from her blowing up the marriage and being alone in life again overwhelmed her to the point where she needed to go get messed up and sleep with someone familiar just to feel safe and stop feeling sad for a moment. Except now she feels worse.

I want her to come back just so I can get the same treatment, let me sleep with you a bunch too then and get my goodbye in, seems more than fair if you’re doing that shit with the other guy who supposedly abused you too. And that guy has been waiting in the corner for this call for 1.5 years, she just ruined his life now too because she won’t go back to him she just used him to emotionally regulate herself a bit, and now she is disgusted with herself and knows how wrong it was. I told her what if I had done this, and she said she couldn’t imagine the pain she would feel.

She was like “you broke our marital bond first by not keeping me safe” and I disagreed and said nah I didn’t. You just have to tell yourself that so that you can live with yourself, but one day if you allow any reflection you’ll look back with regrets on how this whole thing was handled by you. I reiterated all I’ve done is be in therapy, church, the Bible, and be alone with my thoughts for 2 months, and the difference in where we are at emotionally and how we’re handling it is night and day. I told her I forgave her and wasn’t angry and wouldn’t trash her to any of my friends or family.

No contact for a week and a half thought we were doing good, halfway through this call in the middle of the night of her ranting about how sad it is and how she was supposed to be with me until death she asked me why I didn’t text her anymore. I said because she filed for divorce, has made a lot of threats, and I didn’t know what version of her I would get. And I asked why she didn’t text me anymore and she got quiet and I laughed out and loud and said “you were with your ex weren’t you!!?”

the concept of why didn’t you text me when SHE knew she was with another guy.. like we’re still married on paper, that is cheating pretty girl. You just cheated on me and broke our marriage and you’re wondering why I stopped texting you meanwhile I’m consistently having actual bad dreams about her being with her ex, about me FaceTiming her and he answers, all to find out those dreams were legitimately real she was actually with him. “I don’t want to be with him he’s an alcoholic I don’t want a life with him he was just familiar and I was so spun out and tired of feeling sad”

Fosh. I told her I been tired of feeling sad too but I’m not hitting up an old roster of feel goods. I haven’t called up any of the girls I know would be down in a heartbeat for me. I haven’t trashed her to the world for sympathy. I could go tell this story to anyone and they would feel bad for me and I could do the same thing as her. But we are married still, I actually love her in a real way, I don’t hate myself, and I know that won’t do anything but make me feel worse.

I just wanted to get this off my chest as I can’t tell my parents or friends, they will hate her even more and it seems unnecessary to trash her, so felt good to communicate it here.

I don’t want to be angry or bitter. I don’t want to be untrusting of future partners. I will continue the hard work so that I can be the best version of myself for the next person. Still excited to be a husband and a father one day. I won’t let her behavior take that away from me, by crushing my spirit and ability to be with someone more healthy and whole.