The image is from my girls dinner . (It's a long read , basically my life story)

So to begin with today is one of those low days where I'm losing my immunity against the worst part of me . Thus figured I'll vent it out and put it out in the world cause I'm tired of keeping all this in my mind and journal.

I'm a 20 year old only girl child to my parents aged above 60 years ( they had me in their late 40s ig) this has given me crazy existential crisis,  dread and trauma. Mind you they were born in 1958 & 1964 and I'm a 2005 born 😭. I basically have an extremely emotionally available mother in a sort of toxic way and extremely emotionally absent father ; they should basically be my grandparents rn. Nobody ik relates to this or understands my life , i myself couldn't because as a child it seemed normal to me . As I grew up , my dad suffered through an accident and since then the family has had a hard time. The family is dysfunctional and they've passed on the generational trauma onto me . It's really bad on the worst days , 3 of us would get into terrible fights . As a teenager i got tired of it all and built up a wall of isolation against everything (covid helped it) now I'm a young college going adult and see my mates having normal and healthy families that support them and yk be like normal people and i see what goes on in my home and I've suffered a lot . I'm jealous of them sometimes.  Only if i had an elder sibling things would be easier. I have depressive eps often , got help for that but the trauma still persists . It's like i don't have parents but i have these 2 human beings constantly wanting me to behave like a 30 year old adult and support them emotionally and physically. I can't do it. 

I wish they never had me , so many negative thoughts run in my mind like these, instead of being filled with positive energy like any other person w a sane mind here I'm hoarding darkness and the void in me that never goes away. 

Tired of keeping it all inside me