Everything feels like a blur

hey, so first post on reddit as an attempt to figure out my own mind and hopefully stumble across cool people. I dont know how much i can rant about, but here goes.

So ive been dealing with major depressive disorder for about 3/4 of my life and counting. I've had such a strong case of that, anxiety, stress, and emotional numbness. I have had many on and off situations with DPDR, and just a lot more. I pretty much have no hobbies due to all my issues, i used to like graphic design, 2d, 3d, animations, and music production. Im trying to get back in restarting from a completely blank slate, but thats also hard because I erase my own memory of my past which contributes to me feeling like i dont even have a life of substance.

I feel like im watching my life from a camera that is just in the air. I don't feel like my body is mine and i feel so warped about myself and my actions, feelings, etc.

I struggle with feeling like this 24/7 and have hindered many relationships with family and friends because of how often it is on my mind. I struggle with getting out of bed and I pretty much sleep my days away because its where i feel truly comfortable (or i just have sleep disorders and im just having to go through with that lmao).

Also a concern as to why im hesitant with what i say/do online is because i don't want to trap myself in harmful communities or things that enable it. i just think it'd be very destructive.

Also i feel like true realistic and non-money fuled conversations are what i click with best, i just like the unfiltered convos.

Anyways, i think thats it, for now lol. Thoughts and support is greatly appreciated.

(also my grammar is weird, sorry haha)