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Gay but maybe not.

I'm a mostly gay 27 year old doing a really hard PhD in a small town in the us. I've always been effeminate and called homosexual before I even knew what the word meant.

At some point I started paying attention to more than just the guy in straight porn. And well it's continued since I was 22. I only watch straight porn and i buy videos from guys on only fans. It's unhealthy but I feel as if I live vicariously through them when I pay and watch. Also just the act of paying turns me on a little. I'm going to be discussing this in therapy.

I'm worried because I fluctuate. I came across a mf couple that love on each other extensively when making love. It's slow motions, masturbating each other actively before the PIV etc. It's taken me aback and I realize I've never let a woman treat me like that.

Women have always bullied me in the workplace and made me question my self worth. I don't even know how to let a woman love me, hug me, etc. Much less edge me slowly and watch me get vulnerable like that couple I saw. I can't even see myself asking for oral sex or having a girl do that as a default foreplay because I feel like I am being misogynistic somehow. Does anyone understand that?

But, also, a loving husband sounds special and comes more naturally for me. See how confusing that is.

I'm entirely confused with myself because emotionally I only connect with men and I naturally fall into a mild yes queen role with women. It's off putting per chance but it is me.