I regret many life decisions. Now I have a kid and I want to change

32f, new parent, employed but at a passionless job with "okay" pay, experiencing creative burnt out, but wanting to find the light in all this now more than ever and want to find a path to self-fulfillment...whatever that means

I'm an artist. Or well, I used to be.

Ever since I was little, I have been a creative person. Especially with drawing and painting. I also really love animals and wildlife. But I was told just painting dogs wasn't a sustainable living. I thought of animation and storyboarding but I was intimidated by the trajectory it was taking and I have friends that still go broke getting a degree and not getting hired by the studios they want. And they knew that. I wanted stability over my passion which in hindsight was a disillusioned because nothing is stable. Certainly not the arts.

I chose medical illustration because I also had an interest in body systems and anatomy. I thought I would naturally thrive if I combined the two. I was in over my head.

I experienced my first manic episode and it destroyed my academic career in college. And even when I tried to course-correct, I would go through the ups and downs again and again and again. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar/BPD, my hubristic state made me think I could fully recover, but it was too late. And too expensive. I was rejected from the graduate program I applied for. And when I asked when the next application date was, I was told by one of the professors of the program that maybe an artistic path isn't right for me and that they needed talent beyond ambition.

I was shattered. Because all my younger life I was praised by many that I had talent, that I just needed to apply it somewhere. My favorite teacher said I was going to be a "star" someday. I ran with that and it got me nowhere. To this day, I'm very disappointed I never proved him right.

My biggest mistake, however, was to not try something else. Instead I stuck it out at my minimum wage job for almost a decade, getting a few promotions, but it was a means to stability and not anything I really cared about. I kept art as a hobby and occasionally made money painting pet portraits or taking character commissions but it wasn't a living wage.

The best decisions were in my relationships. I did find the love of my life, we got a dog that is like my first child. And recently, I gave birth to my actual first child and I never felt so full of love like I do now.

I used to say I never regretted my life decisions because it led me to this. But truthfully, since having a child, I can't help but feel like I am not as personally complete as I should be. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be a parent. He is the light of my life. But I guess what I mean is...beyond being a parent, I didn't realize how much of a "nothing" I was and how complacent I was to the pushbacks in my life. I should have tried harder, I should have made difference choices, I want to make my son proud.

I'm not 100% sure what I'm really looking for. I know I don't want to work anymore and I may have a rare opportunity to not have to do that, at least, for a few years. I don't know if I want to be "just" mom though, I want to build myself up. Even if it's just to get back into art again. Even if it doesn't become something big down the line. I still have to try, right?

What can I realistically do though when I still have a baby that needs all my attention? What should I plan when he gets older to eventually give me back some freetime to be creative? Do I bother aiming for it to be a job (especially with AI basically taking those careers away, and no I won't be involved in that), or do I make it a nonmonetized hobby?

I hope I'm not too late. I wish I was younger when all of this happened so I can live more of my years fulfilled.