I need advice and help with my addiction, I’ve been using for 8 months with 60 days in rehab 2 months ago and I’m straight back on it daily usage

Anyway the main reason why I am posting in here is because I am extremely lost and powerless at the moment, the scariest thing for me is the fact that my body is suffering greatly - my nose swollen and inflamed scabs, deviated septum, sinus congestion and pressure. It’s the worst it’s ever felt like and I have to go get it checked out because I don’t know what to do anymore. Even with that happening, not to mention the sickly amounts of money that I have spent chasing the high constantly hardly sleeping, and when I start to finally run out and start to accept the comedown somehow I find myself back on it again because I don’t want to be sober and I have built this whole identity that I have from being high and having not actually had any time as the real clean me, this fake identity is all I know so I am petrified of letting go of it.

If anyone has any advice or questions please let me know, I also wanted to ask if anyone knows why one side of my nose feels really hard and thick but the other side is soft and thin ? Not sure what that means but I just noticed it.
Thanks for reading.