I have a hole in my heart I fear will never be filled

 grew up in a traumatic environment, emotionally and physical. A lot of my family is dead along with friends I grew up with (I'm in my 30s) and I experienced things I believe no child should. I raised my siblings as well as my parents basically. There was mental illness, substance abuse, and never-ending dysfunction. Of course it took me years to recognize that this stuff wasn't simply normal. Eventually, I survived and got out, so to say, which is what makes this post feel weird.

Because I did get out. I avoided the negative coping mechanisms because I saw what they did and how they hurt people who cared. Got my degrees and worked my ass off and tried to find light and positivity. I ended up with an amazing job that I love and that pays more than I ever could have dreamed of. I have a wife and children who are amazing and I love them with all my heart.

And yet, a hole still remains.

It's hard to describe. It's like a void. An emptiness. Something that sucks all warmth away. It's not a series of thoughts but a feeling best described as the urge to disappear. Not hurt or kill myself, but to literally leave my entire life behind and isolate myself. Get away from everyone who loves and cares to shack up in a random remote area away from all people. It's a feeling that I should do this and let go of everything because everything is bleak and destined to crumble anyway. Everything is destined to fall apart and there is no point. Get away from it and rot in silence like you deserve.

I don't believe these feelings. I am happy with my job and family and life. Which makes it so much harder when this feeling state comes. It's like a specter, a cloud that refuses to go away, one that can drain me of presence and joy.

What makes it somewhat harder is that I've done work on this. Lots of therapy. SSRIs. Healthy habits. I've really dedicated myself to it all and it has helped a TON. Therapy saved my life when I was a teenager and it still really helps me to this day.

And yet...

That darkness, that hole, it remains. Not ever present but powerful as hell when it creeps up.

I have lived through intense traumas. I have processed them and there meanings. I suspect there is more trauma that I do not remember and that this may be the source of the void. I have some ideas on what type of trauma it might be due to some curious clues and reactions throughout my life, but I cannot recall it, if it exists. There are some blank spots in my memory and it feels like something is scratching against the door. A monster that wants to be let out but one my psyche keeps locked away. I have an idea of what it is but I cannot remember nor experience anything. It is a broken and sad and hopeless feeling unlike anything else...I get that sometimes when I poke around and try to see what's there.

I've considered trying to find out what that hole is. Maybe hypnotherapy but that seems...a little odd. Ketamine therapy has helped a lot of folks and so has psychedelics, however, my father was schizophrenic and substances really made things worse. I would try something in the psychedelic family to gain insight, however, my brother did when he was a teenager and they caused psychosis and the onset of his schizophrenia and a series of him almost dying, almost harming others, and completely and entirely falling apart to this day. I have a great fear of falling into the same pits as my father and two of my siblings.

I can accomplish and do so much. I can come to terms with so much. I can be loved so much. Yet this hole remains. My wife is aware of it but I can't tell her much because she doesn't quite understand and eventually just feels like she and our kids and our life "isn't enough" to make me happy and that's not at all the case or what I mean. They are the best light of my life.

Even if I try to accept it, the cold emptiness pervades, and I have no idea what I do.

I had to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading.