Ready to Quit Dating - Fun Little Horror Story

Personal Background : Single 35 F, living alone in Toronto Canada. Work in Tech ( AKA I can support myself). I am also an immigrant that moved here as a small child from a lesser known European country, I am Caucasian so no one here knows I am an immigrant unless I choose to tell them. I have no accent ( I did speech therapy as a child to remove my accent, my parents insisted I assimilate to the country we now call home). I often anglicize my name, which I do  because I don't like constantly correcting pronunciation if I don't care for you to really know my name. Although I identify as Canadian nationality wise, I am connected to my birth place and my roots. I am European, ethnically.

Now the latest nightmare that is making me wonder if just staying single is really for the best.

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It was Saturday morning, the weather was going to be nice that day and I had a list of errands to run and laundry to do. Sometimes while I do laundry I scroll on tinder, as I did that morning. I matched with a guy who seemed nice enough, the bio was sparce but he had some cute pictures. He was in my neighborhood and his responses seemed nice enough. No innuendo, very respectful and courteous in writing. Answered my questions thoughtfully ( in hindsight I think he may have used AI to answer my questions, because after meeting him in person there is no way this man had the internal lexicon to answer questions the way he did in writing). After a brief phone call, we decided to meet for Dinner. He had just moved into my neighborhood and I was happy to show him around the local restaurants and bars.

I really wanted to go out for dinner that night but all my friends were busy so I was happy to have a dinner partner. That's it, all I was really looking for was a companion to share a meal and maybe a conversation. I show up to the date, and right away I feel the energy is off but I am not one of those women who leaves. If I agree to sit down and eat with you, I will follow through. So we went to a bar for a drink, before going across the street to the restaurant. The bar was a Mexican bar with great margheritas, I'm a foodie and a trained chef so I love discussing food. I started pointing things out on the menu and asking what foods and flavors he liked. He kept saying things like  " I don't know, but I know I like you".... which is not the question. I have also studied English literature so grammar is important to me, if I ask a question please answer the question in context. It drives me crazy when people don’t answer questions. So I am already annoyed and carrying the entire conversation, asking every question. At a certain point he said “ tell me about you”. To which I responded “ ask me a question, what would you like to know”. He had a visibly hard time coming up with questions. It made me a bit uneasy. 

When the server came, he hadn't even looked at the menu and when I ordered a fun looking drink he just got the same thing as me. He said he didn't drink liquor often so wasn't sure what to order, fair. We literally have one drink on the patio and as I was going to ask the server for the bill, my date tells the server to bring another round. Turns out he liked the drink. I said we would be late to the reservation I had made for dinner, but he didn't really seem to be bothered so I called the restaurant and told them we were running late.

I asked him questions about himself, his job, his experience in dating, etc... and the more he shared, the more I considered violating my own rule about sticking through the whole date. I could tell we had nothing in common. We differed on every issue, politics, religion, lifestyle, health, background, interests, we had literally 0 in common, but again I have a deal with myself so I stuck it out. When the server came by again, before I could say anything my date ordered the bill and made a point of asking for just 1 bill, and then winked at me and grabbed my hand. I was ready, and happy to pay for myself. He waved me off, so I just said thank you. I was also hungry at this point so I was going to dinner regardless.

As we cross the street he reaches for my hand, which I do not give him. He then tries to put his arm around me, to usher me into crossing a red light with him, that I also dodge and just mentioned that I have been in a violent car accident before and I don't play games with the rules of the road, which is true. I also wore heals and mentioned that my feet hurt a bit so I am not doing any running or fast walking. I am happy to wait for the light to change. He then crossed without me and was visibly annoyed that he had to wait for me to cross at the change of the light.

We are seated on the patio in the corner with 1 table beside us to my right, and a wall to my left. When we had originally decided on dinner, I had asked him what kind of food he liked. The answer was, of course, " I don't know". So I named a few types until I got to Italian, and he said he liked Italian. So that is where I took him, an Italian restaurant. Not an olive garden, but an actual Italian restaurant. We are seated and they bring over the menus, and he starts grumbling about why the menu isn't in English and that he couldn't understand anything on it and that this is Canada and it should be in English. But the menu was in English, it just had Italian items on it, because it was an Italian restaurant... When I mentioned that he had told me he liked Italian, he said to me " I meant stuff like pizza hut, I can't read this, translate it for me". So here I am, sitting there, translating a menu written in English, to a man who may be illiterate. My father is in his 70s and an immigrant who has weak English and poor eyesight, and talking to this date, who is my age, felt like I was at dinner with my father. Because I have to translate all the menu items to my father, but my father can’t see. This guy was born here and hasn't mentioned anyone about vision impairment, why am I reading the menu to him? After going through the menu with him, and basically reading the whole thing to him, he says " I still don't know, why don't you pick for me, I know I like you so I will like what you choose ". So I roll my eyes and get him the simplest pizza on the menu. I got myself a penne pasta dish. 

We ordered another drink and kept talking. The conversation was like pulling teeth, I had to ask every question. At a certain point I asked him about travel and he said he loved to travel and then named a bunch of big American cities. As a Euro immigrant who vacations globally, I don't really count visiting the USA as vacation. I have been to multiple US cities, usually for work, and culturally or architecturally we are too similar for it to ever feel like vacation. So I started mentioning some of my trips, most recently I was in Spain and France so I talked about that. As I am talking about my trips, and how much fun I had and the things I did, my date starts insulting Europe and just saying things like " Europe is such a shit hole place". So I assumed he had a bad experience traveling. My response was " It's a continent so generalitizing like that might not be accurate, where did you visit that left you with such a bad impression of Europe?". PS. Remember, I am Euro born and raised and I had told him about my background at drinks, he knew I am an immigrant. 

His response to me " I've never been there, I just hate it.".

He then went on to talk about how the USA is the best country in the world ( We are in Canada and he is a born Canadian), and how we are strong because of our Christian values. Canada is legally a non denominational country, we don't have Christian connections the way the US does so I point that out and he rolls his eyes and says " yeah but people here are Christian". To which I pointed out I was from a different religion, which I guess he forgot or didn't listen to when we discussed our upbringing. He tried to defend the Christian stance, at which point I was not having it and quoted Hebrew 11:1,  a scripture that depicts the definition of faith, as itself, being nondescript. He seemed shocked, and with a wide open mouth went “ wow, you can quote scripture?”... I said no, I just read a lot. 

He moved off the topic fast and started asking me about sports, which I let him do. 

By this point he has finished his pizza and asks for some of my pasta. I am happy for him to explore new food and I am getting full, so I take my plate and put some of the pasta from my plate onto his empty plate. He freaks out, " WTF, I just wanted to try some, don't be so passive aggressive" I don't share food, also I just met him…. It's a hygiene thing, I have allergies and I don't know where he has been. I didn't mean it in an insult. He rolls his eyes as I explain this and starts eating the penne pasta I had shared with him, with his hands. I had to insist he use a fork....

Now I am done, so I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to have a few minutes alone. I decide I have had my dinner, and this is not going anywhere so I find my server and ask her to just bring us the bill and make sure it's split, I don't want any issues with him paying for dinner after paying for drinks without even giving me the chance to pay for myself. The server tells me he had ordered the bill and paid it while I was in the bathroom.

Fine, you want to feed me, I will accept it. I come back and he sits up straight and goes " I grabbed the bill" and winks at me. He did the same thing at drinks. As though I am supposed to celebrate him for it... which is not what I want. I like when men pay the bill, don’t get me wrong, but where I come from men pay because that is part of the role of masculinity. The provider provides, and in my culture a man gloating about paying the bill is seen as culturally unattractive, because it's a given. 

I don’t hold Canadian men to these standards, so when they do pay and gloat, it gives me the ick. I would rather pay for myself than need to celebrate a man buying me dinner. 

I have now decided going forward, because of this date, I will explicitly tell a man I am paying for myself on a first date to ensure the focus is on the connection. I am also going to limit all future first dates to coffee, sitting through this was torture… but back to the story.

I have not mentioned yet, that all night, he kept trying to paw at me. To touch my shoulder, to hold my hand, to put his hand around me. I met him an hour ago. Why is it ok for him to think he can just touch me? I never said anything too flirty, I wore a high collared dress to ensure there was 0 cleavage showing, I was presenting as conservative on purpose. I am a stranger to him, and he is a stranger to me. I kind of just dodged him all night but as we got up and started walking down the street after dinner, he put his arm around me again. This is the second time he did this while we were just waiting to cross a street. 

Now we are in Canada which means weed is legal and there are dispensaries everywhere. As his arm goes around me, there is a dispensary beside me so I move away and mention that I want to grab a J for myself for later. Really I just wanted to get away from his hands. We go in, and I chat with the person working there for a few minutes before making a selection. My date puts his debit card on the counter, trying to pay for my weed. At that point I just said " no thanks, I can handle this". I did not want him paying for anything else. I turn my attention back to the sales agent and make my purchase. When I turn around, my date is gone. He has left the store. I hope he just ditched me, that would be great, but as I exit the store I see him standing a few feet away with an annoyed look on his face. He comes back up to me and complains that I insulted him by rejecting him from paying for the weed. I said thank you but I pay for my own weed. He then recommends we find a bench to smoke on and talk some more.

My intention here was to say goodbye and leave, I bought the J for me, not for us. But I hate being rude. So fine, we are at a street corner with a red light and I am standing still trying to remember where the nearest park is. He tries to grab my hand AGAIN, but I back up and he misses and then he just runs into the street into oncoming traffic and starts walking away from me without a word. He used one of his hands to motion for me to follow him as he walked away from me through a red light... and that was it. I tried so hard to be nice, to follow through, to have an enjoyable night. I did not react to the sexist and racist and bigoted things he said, I nodded and smiled. I didn't react when he appeared to be illiterate. I read a menu to him because life is hard, I try hard to be a person who does not judge others. But do not expect me to follow you into oncoming traffic, after I told you I have been hit by a car.

So I turn around, and I run ( in painful heels). I don't walk, I run away down the street in the opposite direction until I see a woman and her teen daughter walking. I walk up to them and ask if I can walk with them as I was just on a bad date and am scared he may follow me, which is exactly how I feel. They of course say yes and we have a great time talking and walking about 4 blocks together until they turn towards their house. By this point I feel safe and I get home ok. The conversation I had with this woman and her daughter over the course of 10 minutes was more enjoyable than the entire date....

He kept trying to call me, but I just couldn't pick up. I was in fear, shock and disgust. I didn't want any conflict. When he texts me " pick up your phone" , my response was " you walked away from me so fast I lost you, and my tummy has been hurting anyway so I caught an uber home, can't really pick up right now". I blocked him right after sending that message so I don't know if he tried to respond. I just wanted this night over. 

Now here is the kicker, I know what is going through his mind. He is going to go home and complain to anyone who will listen that he went on a date, and paid for everything and then just got ditched. That he paid, and I came off mean or cold and wouldn't even let him hug me or hold my hand… He is going to say mean things about me, that I just bailed for no reason... And other men are going to hear this, and agree, and continue to hate on women. I am going to be called a bitch, and a selfish, and maybe even a gold digger. Guys always talk about how women want free meals, well… not always, and especially not if you make a big deal out of it.  He won’t ask himself about his behavior, he won't wonder if maybe he shouldn't be openly bigoted. He will leave it at  “ I paid for everything and she just ditched me on the street “. 

The truth is, I did not leave because I am selfish, I am not a bitch. I tried so hard to stay, to be mindful, to consider where his views may have come from. He chose to pay the bill and didn't even give me the time to pay my share. And between me and the internet, there is no doubt in my mind that I make more money than he does. 

The answer is, I left because I felt unsafe with this man.

I hope this is a PSA for someone, and that I at least made someone laugh with my ridiculously horrible date that makes me want to delete all the apps and just get a 3rd cat.