being hurt and hurting people

TW: abuse, assault, SI

I’ve recently started to come to terms with the fact that I was abused as a child by parents, was in multiple abusive relationships as a teen into my 20s, and have been sexually assaulted multiple times. I also can’t stand feeling and knowing that I’ve probably hurt and traumatized other people too because I just didn’t know any of this was so not normal. I knew that I had been through things and had PTSD from things for awhile but they have just kept happening almost my entire life. It feels like now I’ve finally been able to step back and see how all of this has built up and where all of these problems I have had for a long time really came from and I just feel awful and knowing that it led me to hurt other people makes me just want to end it.

I don’t know what to do and everything just feels so confusing. I’ve been in therapy for the past few months and it’s helped me really see things clearly, but I just don’t understand why it happened even if I understand all of it. My assaulters and abusers have all been assaulted and abused and have all struggled with that in unhealthy ways. I don’t wish anything bad against them but they fucked me up for life. I still love my parents but my mom’s an alcoholic who used me as a therapist my whole life, and my dad beat me, and they just both facilitated all this hurt and never really parented me to begin with. I learned what CPTSD really was after a close friend with CPTSD told me she thinks I might have it, and I had heard of it before but after learning more and seeing the experiences of people here I just feel so much pain and hurt knowing that she was so right.

I feel so much pain and knowing how I have also hurt other people because of the continued abuse I have experienced almost my whole life makes me feel like I don’t deserve any support to begin with. I dealt with a breakup recently and even though that relationship wasn’t abusive I still reacted and had what I realize now were constant emotional flashbacks where, even at work or in public, my face would contort and I’d start muttering things under my breath and wishing harm towards my ex when they were just not the right person for me. I almost feel like I deserve all of it because I know I have hurt people too. I just keep living but every day it just feels like my life ended after I stopped going through so much constant trauma, and I’m just lingering around for no reason at this point living a normal mundane life.