idk

this past year has been a whirlwind. For starters, I learned what it felt like to be wanted and how amazing that was, turned out to be such a lie. I don’t have all the answers but I do know that the feeling is gone because I am just a number to someone. In hindsight I didn’t understand how detrimental that would be for me because I constantly tried to get that feeling back and failed miserably. Although it changed me in a good way, I felt like it was something I was missing in my life. I could be happy in all other areas in my life except this one. I cannot fix what has been done. My delusional a** thinks that this feeling or “love” will come to me. I just don’t know if that is realistic. I feel guilty that I cannot receive it from X. I built up so much resentment to X because of how I badly I was treated. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I’m checked out. I’m sorry that I want to be closer and feel more connected. I’m sorry for hurting you. Idk anymore. If I had a magic wand I’d fix it all. I don’t have answers. Only time will tell.