My grandma died years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about her. Is this normal?

I’ve polished youI’m crying again, thinking about my grandma, even though she passed away years ago. Sometimes I wonder if this is still part of grieving. I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling anymore.

My grandma was the one who raised me. While my mom worked, it was always my grandma who took care of me. In many ways, she was the parent who was always there. My mom had to stay away from home for work, so it was usually just my grandma and me.

As a child, I told her everything. I would come home from school and tell her about my day, my achievements, my friends, my classmates, and all the little stories that probably didn’t matter to anyone else. She listened to everything.

One of the things that makes me sad now is the guilt I feel about the last few years before she passed away. I was no longer living with her because I needed to stay near my university. I spent more time with my friends and focused on building my own life. It wasn’t really what she wanted, but because she loved me, she let me go. She supported me and allowed me to stay close to my university.

Now, years after her death, I often think about how deeply you can know someone when they have been part of your life for so long. You know the way they think, the way they move, the way they smell, and all the little details that make them who they are. Then one day, all of that is gone.

I still remember when she died. At first, I couldn’t cry. I was hugging her even though she was already gone. While everyone else who entered the room was crying, I just stayed beside her. I remember smelling her underarm and her skin, trying to hold on to her presence. It sounds strange now, but I think I was trying to memorize every part of her.

That night, I fell asleep. Then, sometime around four in the morning, I woke up crying. That’s when it finally hit me. I realized that I would never see my grandma again. I would never hear her voice, see her smile, hear her scold me, or smell her familiar scent. I would never experience her presence again.

Even now, whenever I think about her, I wonder where she is. Where is her soul? Is she okay? Is she at peace? Is she with the people she loved who passed away before her? These questions still stay with me.

Whenever I think of her, I cry like I did that night when I first understood that she was truly gone. The feeling hasn’t changed. The sadness still arrives with the same intensity.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever completely move on from this loss.

But maybe the truth is that some people leave such a deep mark on our lives that we don’t move on from losing them. We simply learn to carry their absence with us.