Surviving is just utter agony

The daily suffering through these memories, the pull to die that's relentless. The knowledge that life will not get better when you live with chronic illness caused by your trauma on top of the abuse and trauma and exposure to abusers, triggers, constantly hypervigilant, afraid, on edge and masking. The grief that rips me the fuck apart even while I brush my teeth or shower, or smile at a customer remarking about how poor the weather is while I burn alive physically and mentally. Don't forget to say "have a good day" :`) while i simultaneously ponder my relentless lifelong shame that kept me studying socializing, progressing at absolutely anything meaningful. The thoughts of jumping into the ocean from the cliff I stand on with my abusive husband and dog, try as I might to enjoy the scenery, the smells, the sensations of being in nature-but it's all muted and I can't even smell much of anything because my nervous system is shutting down and I'm dissociating and imagining myself drowning in the darkness of the waves alone at night. Every day I wake up to the knowledge that today is another day to suffer for the sake of everyone else around me so they can see me one more day. Hug me one more day while I suffer alone with all this anguish and pain of being abused so much I can't even understand what it means to be safe with anyone ever. I can't even be safe with food, my body thinks it's poison and causes me so much pain. I can't even be safe with myself. It's a struggle just to survive my own desire for death. I'm so lost here in this faded fucking world. Just surviving...god it's so painful.