What did we ever do to deserve being hated so much [rant]

I am so tired of our own trans community constantly excluding and belittling us. So much of the trans community thinks we don’t even count as trans, and then cis people think we’re the worst kind of trans people. We cannot possibly simultaneously be a transphobes worst fucking nightmare, and somehow be more accepted in society than binary trans people. Nonbinary people don’t even have the option of being stealth we either have to stay in the closet or be an open target (unless you’re trying to pass as the opposite binary gender but that’s really not the same thing as being fully yourself). Like the queer community can even understand how a feminine cis gay man can be discriminated against because of his gender presentation, but as soon as its a nonbinary person we suddenly have no fucking problems and we’re just cis lite. Yeah, sure.

I saw someone comparing the straight passing privilege bisexual people have in a man/woman relationship to the nonbinary experience insinuating that the trans community ostracising us further isn’t really a big deal since they’re not our main oppressors and we have more privilege than they do. Umm that’s not comparable at fucking all. I am not fucking half trans. I am trans AND nonbinary and I will never be able to introduce myself as my chosen name with they/them pronouns without being a fucking target. Nonbinary people need support from our own community that is not a wild ask. And I get that other trans people aren’t the ones killing us in the street but it still hurts that they throw us to the wolves to save their own skin. People get the concept of how it’s bad to exclude trans people from the queer community, but somehow excluding nonbinary people is okay? I can’t be myself even around other trans and gay people and I feel so so so so isolated.

I do have a couple supportive friends but they’re so rare to find I just wish it was a little easier to build community. Sometimes I also feel like maybe they’re waiting for me to like become a “real trans person” and ditch the they/them start T etc and I know that’s my own paranoia talking but maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if nonbinary exclusion wasn’t so rampant.

I’m just trying to be myself and I’m a freak and an embarrassment to the trans community but oh no I have cis passing privilege so I don’t need fucking support apparently. Doesn’t matter if we get killed too. Like it’s inherently dangerous to not pass and I can’t fucking pass as nonbinary that’s impossible so I’m stuck in the closet and it’s suffocating. I don’t have the option of being stealth. My country is relatively safe, but conservatism is on the rise here too so I never feel safe ever. Nobody ever defends us whenever it comes up in conversation it’s like if something were to ever happen to me it would be my fault for daring to be myself. And it wouldn’t even get labeled as a hate crime.