To Christopher. From your best friend.

Not sure how it happened. I recall, I just needed a person to hang out with that time, since all my other friends were unavailable. In the days that followed, every time our classes ended, you'd wait for me by the classroom door, like I was now required to hang out with you and not with my friends. I went along with it, new friends can't be bad. And besides, maybe you needed a friend too. I honestly thought I was being charitable. This even after a few weeks, I just merely thought of you as an acquaintance, nothing more. Not even a friend.

Several months later, you introduced me to one of your friends, and you told that friend how you easily lose track of time when you're with me. I immediately looked at you in surprise, and something warm boiled in my heart. Guilt maybe, because while I considered you nothing more but an acquaintance, to you I was already a friend. From then on out, I decided to call you a friend. Those were my reservations - it took a while before I promote someone from acquaintance to friend.

As the months went by, we started hanging out a lot. I probably hanged out with you more than my other friends You were already a very good friend then. In fact I already started referring to you as my best friend. But to be honest, I believe I there was probably something more than just platonic with my feelings, which is unusual, because I already decided the first time we met that you weren't even my type. That said, I always looked forward to your text messages during the weekends, like we seldom saw each other, when it fact we basically spent all of our weekends together. "See you at 10 am". We'd just hang out, talk about nonsense, go to the mall, eat, play computer games, Just the two of us. And we only parted only when it got dark. To me you started to look very handsome. Your imposing shadow made my heart flutter, and your presence made my spirit smiled. I was in love for real, for the first time.

And by the second year of college, you found a girlfriend. She was nice, pretty. It killed me inside, but I guess I was happy for you in a way. I tried so hard to catch your attention, without making it obvious that I was in love. If I cant have your love, I thought your attention would suffice. We still hanged out, though not as often, so I'm thankful. One time you casually told me you ignore your phone when were together. That sweet gesture almost made my heart jump out of my chest cavity. You had a girlfriend, and funnily I never saw you call or text your girlfriend when were together. But I resigned to the fact that you had a girlfriend.

Sleepless nights for months, bad grades, tardiness. The bitterness of unrequited love was affecting my school performance, so I figured what I was feeling can't possibly be good. And it was futile to pursue my feelings anyway, so I distanced myself from you, slowly, gradually. I started seeing you less on purpose, I just wanted to be weaned off your presence, but I wished my love became lesser too, but it didn't. The distance demoted me from best friend to friend. I forced myself to believe its better this way.

Two years later, you finally graduated a year ahead of me. Relief. I don't have to see you everyday on campus anymore. Your absence from the school reinforced the efforts I had in place to "fall out of love". I'm sure that helped, somewhat. News also reached me that you broke up with your girlfriend. You never told me, like the break up didn't matter. Come to think of it, I don't think the break up even broke your heart. But you were that type, quiet, confident, private.

And finally, my 5th year, and I'm graduating. We stopped seeing each other by then. We are adults now. I immigrated to a different country. The emotional trauma I sustained for loving you changed me dramatically - I started shunning connections, fearful of what it'll do to me. I became shallow. I also started sleeping around a lot. One time I hooked up with 3 men in 1 night. And now we arrive at the present moment. I am now HIV-positive. Last night I stared at your profile on facebook, and I hate that I still love you. I probably will always love you. Its been 15 years since I started loving you. I wish I can tell you, that you were both the first, and last person I loved.

Love,

Your guy best friend.